Hope

Hope…

Sometimes I wonder if it is a good thing or a bad thing to have. On one hand it is good to have to help propel you to keep going in the face of trying, stressful times. I hope that my day will go good so I get up each morning. I hope that I will find a new job, where there are no pregnant people, and no one knows about my loss so no one looks at me with pity, so I continue to search the classified ads. I hope that one day J and I will have our baby so I keep cycling.

But, that could be the bad part too.
It is not impossible for J and I to conceive naturally –so the RE says. Not impossible, but with such low odds, not likely either. But that 2% chance is something. It’s hope – hope that maybe one of these times it will work and we will be one of those miracle couples. The ones you hear about all the time. “Oh, they tried and tried for years and finally when they stopped trying they got pregnant!.” My rational mind knows that statistically it won’t happen for us that way but hope keeps me wondering each time we have sex what the outcome will be.

With doing the IUI cycles again there is hope each month. And with IUI’s there is not much time to lose that hope if you’re doing back to back cycles. Within a few days of getting AF you have to muster up the hope all over again for the next cycle. I think of it like this – my IUI cycles are kind of like the Tower of Terror – the constant high’s and low’s. My IVF cycles are more like a huge roller-coaster, with a big slow climb to the top and a quick drop back down to the bottom.

Sometimes that little bit if hope is all that keeps me going each day. I worry though – does my inability to ever stop cycling come with that hope. Will having that hope make me keep trying and keep trying until I go through menopause? And would that really be good for my sanity? Plus if we keep trying for that long will we lose out on a chance to adopt because at that point we’ll be too old? Will that be the price I pay for having hope?

I hope not…

** Side note ** Getting closer to cycling again next month. I know that I ovulated this week sometime. So it should be only a few more weeks. I think we are going to try again this month – we’ve had a few weeks to save a little for it, and I know I can’t wait another month. Too torturous!