Thursday, September 13, 2007

When our world crumbled

After struggling with IF for so long it felt good to finally be pregnant. J and I were so excited! We wanted to run down the street screaming our happy news out to everyone. I just kept worrying though - what if something terrible happens? My friend S said not to worry, everything would be fine.
I was cleaning out our office one day and came across all of the paperwork I had gathered in my adoption research. For some reason I just couldn't throw it away. I placed it on the shelf - hoping I would never need it.
The pregnancy seemed to be progressing fine - except for some occasional spotting. My OB assured me that it was nothing to worry about at our 9-week appointment. Lots of women have spotting. Still it just didn't seem right to me.

One morning I woke up and the first thought in my mind was that I didn't feel pregnant anymore. I got out my trusty "What to expect when you're expecting" book and looked this up. It clearly stated that lots of women feel this way sometimes. Nothing to worry about. You can feel not pregnant and be just fine. Anyway, if I was having a m/c the book assured me I would have bleeding and/or cramping. I had neither and my spotting had subsided a week earlier too.
An old co-worker and friend, A, came to visit at the office and brought with her her new baby and her bag of used maternity clothes. I could have them if I wanted. And just in time, I was just starting to show slightly or at least I felt that way, being bloated and my pants felt tighter. I took the clothes, thanked her, and told her that I was making the announcement to the rest of the co-workers that Friday. I had an OB appointment the next day and Friday I would be 13 weeks so thought it was time to tell everyone at work.

The next morning I excitedly put on the maternity clothes and J and I were off to the OB appointment. 13weeks. We were going to be able to hear the baby's heartbeat.

Sitting in the waiting room was unreal. I couldn't wait to hear that heartbeat. And I had plans to go home that afternoon and buy my home baby doppler so I could hear it all the time.
When OB walked in the room she immediately put the thing on my belly. We waited while she moved it around. We waited for what seemed to be a very long time before she said she couldn't find the heartbeat. But don't worry - this happens sometimes. We go into the ultrasound room to find the heartbeat.
The ultrasound tech placed the wand on my belly and there was the picture of my baby. But something was wrong. The baby didn't move at all and the ultrasound tech said there was no heartbeat.

The rest of that appointment is a blur. I'm sure that I was in a state of shock from that moment. OB says that we can do a D&C but it won't be for another 5 days because that's the next time she does surgeries. Just go home and if I start bleeding heavily and cramping between now and Tuesday then go to the Emergency Room.

I can't remember much of that day after that. I know that J and I got home and neither of us knew what to do with ourselves. What were we supposed to do now?! Were we supposed to just go on with our day pretending it was normal? The world seemed to just go on - the traffic going by, the kids walking home from school, everything the same. Except for J and I. Our world was completely and forever altered.


Kristen said...

That is such a tragic story. Unfortunately, I can relate to how time stands still for you. Everyone else seems to go on with their lives but I feel frozen in time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. (((HUGS)))

SaraS-P said...

I am so sorry. This is all very familiar to me, and I know well how much it hurts.