Sunday, September 23, 2007

Infertility strong hold

It's still amazing to me how much infertility can take hold of your entire life. It encompasses every part of your being - from your job, to you health, to your marriage and everything in between. J and I have so many more arguments as the years drag on ttc than we did in the past. It's like a constant thought in the back of your mind. Everything is centered around ttc. The stress of the negatives each month causes stress related health problems, the time off you have to have for RE appointments and making up excuses about why you'll be late or absent from work again, how much it costs to continue treatment with limited insurance coverage, having to deal with pregnant people in everyday life. Sometimes I feel like if we already had children we wouldn't have half the arguments we have today. People who don't struggle with infertility everyday do not and can not understand what we go through.
Because of his medical issues J needs medication each day to function. Right now he has no insurance coverage for that medication. All I can think about is how that will affect my ttc. What if I don't have enough money to pay for the co-pays, the medication? What if I have to postpone ttc for another month because my money is going toward his prescriptions, doctor's visits, whatever? That makes me feel like a complete bitch. Like I don't care about my husband's health. But I know the longer I wait the harder it will be to get pregnant.
So what does one do? Continue ttc and neglect other financial responsibilities? If it works and I am able to have my healthy live baby in the end it would be so worth it - because that's all that really matters in life anyway right? Family, friends, people, surely not money or other material items. But I could potentially be neglecting my husband's health, or destroying my financial future. And that is important - because whether we eventually have children or not J and I are together - for life.
It's not always an easy decision - whether to ttc this month's chance or not. I just wish that I didn't have to make these difficult decisions. I wish that no one ever had to make such decisions.

On a side note - I think I'm getting close to ovulation time again. The EWCM is starting to build up - not that it matters with our 2% chance of conceiving naturally. But that means I am that much closer to starting another medicated cycle. I am thinking that I'll use the gonal that I have leftover from IVF cycle #1 - it's expired but I stored it properly and I'm sure it works just fine. I think they put expiration's on the drugs to make more money anyway. That will save some $$$. Only about 2 more weeks to go until we can start again if we choose to.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

I'm sorry all of this is so hard. I hope you figure all this stuff out soon.