Monday, October 8, 2007

My weekend

Well just another boring (or relaxing, depending on how you view life) weekend for J and I. I know that when I tell my co-workers this morning about my lazy weekend they will tell me that they are jealous - you can't do that with kids in the house. I never realized until just lately what a bunch of insensitive people I work with. Or maybe I'm just hypersensitive after what I've been through the past few years.
Anyway, I had a dream this weekend that I was pregnant. Not like I just found out pregnant, but about 5 or 6 months along. I remember in my dream looking down at my belly and feeling like I could not possibly believe it. I remember wanting to keep it a secret and even though I was clearly showing, I was telling other people that I was not pregnant, but they didn't believe me. It felt good and right and I woke up with such a happy feeling, but then realized it was just a dream. I hate that. I think that is my biggest fear with continuing with cycling. What if I never get pregnant again? What if the short 13 weeks that I was pregnant is the only time I will ever feel that happiness? That just boggles my mind and is incredibly scary. I try hard to push those thoughts out of my mind whenever they start creeping in. But I am a realist by nature so they creep in quite often. I laugh at how much my attitude has changed since J and I started cycling. How optimistic and sure of success I was back then. Oh, I wish I could find that girl again.

I finished my last book (Love and other impossible pursuits - which I started way too late for the book tour but it sounded great after reading about it on other people's blogs that I just has to read it) and I am starting Happiness Sold Separately today. And I have been trying very hard to meditate every day. I got a late start and so far I think I've been about 50% successful but it's early still so I will just keep trying. Story of my life.

Oh, and I started spotting a bit this morning (right on time), so today or tomorrow will be CD1. Finally!

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