Sunday, October 21, 2007

Getting closer

I had another follie check this morning. Things are looking OK so far. Last check I had about 5 potential follies, today only 2. Both are on the left side (which they always are) and they were 13.4 and 14.9. The rest were still pretty small - measuring only around an 8. Right ovary only has small ones ranging from 7-9. So, maybe we'll end up with two good follies. I hope. It seems like a waste of time and money to do an injectible cycle and only get one egg. I could get that un-medicated and save myself the co-pays for the medication. Sometimes I wish Dr. RE would be a little more aggressive with dosing. I really just want the best chance possible. She must know what she's doing though - I also don't want to end up like Jon and Kate +8. Still, I was hoping for about 3 good follies. *sigh*
My gonal dose will remain the same for another two nights and next date with the dildo cam is scheduled for Tuesday. IUI will be Thursday or Friday.

My Dad just left to go home after visiting us for the weekend. It was good to have a family visit. Just enjoying dinner together and doing a little shopping. Still, it is different without my Mom around. Like a strange empty space following us. Of course after a few drinks the other night, J started talking to Dad about how much he thinks our future children will miss by not having my Mom in their lives. She would've been the A Grandma.
It made me glad that J still carries the hope that we will have a family someday. Some days I don't have any of that left. Sometimes I need someone else to carry that hope for me for a while.
When I called to order the prescriptions I told the Freedom Pharmacy rep that I wouldn't be needing the gonal this week - I still had some from a previous cycle. I told her that I would call back in a few weeks to order it then. I never stopped to think that this cycle has the possibility of working. It never occurred to me that it could work. I just immediately assumed that I'd be calling to place another order in a few weeks. Sad. Somehow I just don't see this working. I wish I could. I try so hard to envision a happy outcome. This cycle though I feel like I'm on auto-pilot, just going through the motions. Maybe it's my way of protecting myself from the constant disappointment. Driving home from the RE's office today I thought how in the world does one ever stop this? I can't see it working but I can't see myself stopping treatment either.

1 comment:

Kim said...

Yeah, I know what you mean. Tonight, I was telling R how ironic it is that I should know if this cycle was a success on B's birthday.. ironic as in a completely unfunny way, of course. He responded by saying, 'then what?'. And it made me think. I said, 'then we do it all again. more drugs, different drugs, another month of waiting, of hoping'. It really does suck in a majorly sucky way.