Post-Halloween Witch

Another big ol' BFN for me. AF started yesterday - 14dpiui. This is all so hard. J and I don't know what to do anymore. We thought that changing the IUI protocol would be our answer. But this was IUI#5 and nothing.
Each day I feel like I am getting closer and closer to having my fear of never being pregnant again become a reality and it scares the crap out of me. I don't think I have ever been more afraid of anything else. Why in the world would God finally answer my prayers for getting pregnant after 5 years, snatch it away after only a short time, and never let me feel that happy again?
I honestly don't know how I would live my life if we use up the remaining 7 IUI's that we have some insurance coverage for, they don't work, and that is the end of the road for us. I don't want to live child-free. We can't do IVF again (unless by some miracle we get some insurance coverage for it) and I know that soon Dr. RE is going to want to schedule a consult to discuss it again. We don't have money for adoption, and with J's medical issues I don't even know if we'd get through a homestudy. I just don't even know what to do at this point. I wish I had been more insistent last year when I asked DR. RE about getting put on the list for the donor embryo program. She said the wait was two-three years long and discouraged J and I from putting our names on it. Now here we are a year later and we could have been that much farther on the list. If next month's IUI doesn't work I want our names on that list!

We'll be taking this month off again. Even though the waiting between cycles causes me a lot of stress we thought a break would be good financially and mentally too. So at least I can look forward to a few big glasses of wine for the next 30 days.