Thursday, November 8, 2007

Post-Halloween Witch

Another big ol' BFN for me. AF started yesterday - 14dpiui. This is all so hard. J and I don't know what to do anymore. We thought that changing the IUI protocol would be our answer. But this was IUI#5 and nothing.
Each day I feel like I am getting closer and closer to having my fear of never being pregnant again become a reality and it scares the crap out of me. I don't think I have ever been more afraid of anything else. Why in the world would God finally answer my prayers for getting pregnant after 5 years, snatch it away after only a short time, and never let me feel that happy again?
I honestly don't know how I would live my life if we use up the remaining 7 IUI's that we have some insurance coverage for, they don't work, and that is the end of the road for us. I don't want to live child-free. We can't do IVF again (unless by some miracle we get some insurance coverage for it) and I know that soon Dr. RE is going to want to schedule a consult to discuss it again. We don't have money for adoption, and with J's medical issues I don't even know if we'd get through a homestudy. I just don't even know what to do at this point. I wish I had been more insistent last year when I asked DR. RE about getting put on the list for the donor embryo program. She said the wait was two-three years long and discouraged J and I from putting our names on it. Now here we are a year later and we could have been that much farther on the list. If next month's IUI doesn't work I want our names on that list!

We'll be taking this month off again. Even though the waiting between cycles causes me a lot of stress we thought a break would be good financially and mentally too. So at least I can look forward to a few big glasses of wine for the next 30 days.


SaraS-P said...

I am sorry.

Hope you enjoy your time off.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I am so sorry. I'm on the tail end of my break, and it's been good to have some time off to drink and have some fun. HUGS!

Carrie said...

I'm really sorry to hear this. It can all be so hard at times.