Wow, I am Lazy!

Yes, I am a slacker. I just got my Jane Austin questions posted and still have to get around to everyone's blogs to read their responses. I know I've said it before, but the complete exhaustion has really got to me. It's all I can do to drag myself to work, drag myself home, and plop onto my sofa for the night. I think I am becoming a part of the sofa itself, if that's possible. Thank goodness that J is so good at cleaning and cooking. I don't know what I'd do without him.

My goal is to get to around to everyone sometime over the rest of this week.

Not much else happening right now. We did tell our immediately family - parents, siblings, grandparents. No one else yet. Still just getting through each day as it comes, praying and hoping that it will be another healthy day. One.day.at.a.time

Jane Austin Book Club Tour

On page 5 of my edition, at the end of the Prologue, the narrator says: "The six of us -- Jocelyn, Bernadette, Sylvia, Allegra, Prudie, and Grigg -- made up the full roster of the Central Valley/River City all-Jane-Austen-all-the-time book club." Each of the six is featured in the book, and voices intimate thoughts & memories, yet throughout, the narrator maintains the voice of "we." Which of the characters is the narrator telling the story/writing the book? And if you don't know or have an opinion, which character would be the most likely narrator & why?

I'm not sure who the narrator of the book is but if I had to offer a guess my choice would be Jocelyn. She struck me as being the one who would most likely lead a group. When the author explained the story of her and Sylvia's youth she seemed to be the one who was the stronger personality of the two and this was depicted several times throughout the book.

Corinne stole Allegra's stories and passed them off as her own. Yet despite this deep betrayal of trust Allegra went back to her. Why do you think that is? Has anyone ever betrayed your trust and how did you handle it?

I think she went back to her because of love. Having your trust betrayed is something that can be terribly hurtful, and yes I can think of a few people who have done so to me. Whether it be a simple teenage love issue, which didn't seem so simple at the time to someone telling others a secret I asked that they keep, there are a lot of times when other people have betray trust. I think handling it depends on the situation itself, your ability to forgive someone for wrongdoings, and whether you can understand why the betrayal occurred. Was it spiteful, or was it simply someone who wasn't thinking of the consequences of their actions? Most of the people who have done something to betray trust with me, I have been able to forgive. At times it takes longer, and I'm not sure that the same level of trust ever exists again, but I do try to remember the humanness of us all.

When Corinne stole Allegra's stories, she both lied by omission as well as stole pieces of Allegra. Do you believe Allegra was more upset about the lie or the fact that someone stole her stories?

I think Allegra was more upset by the fact that her stories were stolen than by the lie itself. Lies happen, sometimes to protect , people's feelings, sometimes just small little white lies that I'm sure everyone is guilty of, but for someone to try to pass off stories from your life as their own seems to me the bigger betrayal.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Jane Austen Book Club? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #10 (Embryo Culture by Beth Kohl with author participation!) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

Looks Like Raccoon Eyes

That's what Dr. RE said today when he inserted dildo-cam and saw...
2 beautiful sacs - 2 amazing babies with 2 beautiful heartbeats.

Wow.
One more hurdle down. Next appointment is with Dr. OB and not until February 11th.

Babies - you keep doing what you're supposed to do in there.

Long time, no post

Wow, I can't believe that again it's been almost a week since I last posted. Just trying to keep my food down, sleeping, and worrying takes up the majority of my time.
**I'm going to talk about my p-word symptoms now so if you'd rather not read, skip this section**
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I've started to have more symptoms but they still can come and go pretty often. I have a near-constant nauseous feeling and I have to eat something every 2 hours. If I go longer than that without food, I start feeling really sick. I also have heartburn, which I never get normally, and I've been burping like a man. Oh, and tomato sauce (the thought of it), which I normally love (pasta, pizza, anything with it) turns my stomach. I've been eating a lot of plain noodles and butter, crackers and cereal. When I can muster up the energy to take a walk it does help me to feel better but those days are few and far between. Most days I just want to go back to bed by noon, and my new bedtime is around 8pm.
I am not complaining at all. These things are helping to ease my mind slightly. Not much, because I was sick last time too, but at least for now I think (and hope) things are OK.
What eases my mind a bit more than sickness is 1. that I've increased my thyroid medicine dose, and my PCP and I are staying on top of it this time. I'm having bloodwork on my thyroid done every two weeks during the first tri. Just need to make sure the levels stay where they are supposed to, and 2. that I've gotten past the point at which last time my spotting started (and continued nearly on a daily basis). I'm hoping that's a good thing. I still check the toilet paper every time I use the bathroom and probably will always. It's good though to have NOT seen that happening this time yet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
My appointment with the RE is Wednesday at 11am. J and I are excited and scared and just can't wait for it to be over. We just hope that everything is going the way it's supposed to in there. After that I'll have to make an OB appointment but I don't want to do that until after Wednesday.

Silence

I'm sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I've thought about posting a lot this past week but haven;t been able to put the words together. I don;t know what to say except that this is all so strange to me. It's like being the p-word is only real inside the confines of my own four walls. Once outside the safety of my home, it's not real, it's not spoken about, and I do my best not to think about it. If I don't think about it, maybe nothing bad will happen. I know; it's crazy. But like I was telling J this morning, I feel like I am constantly waiting for someone to tell me bad news. Every day I wake up and pray, wish and hope that everything will keep going well for another day. Then every night I cross another day off of the calendar and think that I am one more day closer to this being real. I can't think farther than that - it's too scary.
My appointment with the RE is next week. Then I'll be released to my OB. Haven't even called to make an appointment yet. That's much to far away from now. Plus I'm afraid that if I say this out loud it will come to an end.
So, for now you all are my only outlet for fear,, venting, and worry. Hope I don't make you all crazy along with me.

Whew...

Third beta today was 2889. That is a huge jump. No more betas, thank goodness. Now I just have to wait for the first scan - scheduled for January 23rd. One tiny step closer.
I did find out today too that my thyroid levels have gone up again, which the nurse explained happens during pregnancy. Now I'm working on convincing my primary doctor, who monitors my thyroid condition, to increase my dose, even though it still falls within a "technically" normal range. I have an appointment with her on Thursday to plead my case. I am envisioning myself having a meltdown right in front of her. You see, while I will never know for sure, my heart believes that the reason I lost my last baby was because of an underactive thyroid, and the fact that no one checked it my entire first trimester. I just can't let that happen again and will do whatever I need to to keep my thyroid at a level that I feel comfortable with, not what the lab ranges dictate.
January 23rd is a long way away. I've been trying to focus only on each day, instead of looking at all into the future. That has seemed to help me some. Plus J has been great at helping to calm me down when I start freaking out.

Thank you to all of you for sharing in my secret. We have decided not to tell a soul until, oh I don't know, there is actually a baby or it becomes so obvious that people start whispering behind my back. So, it is comforting to be able to share this with you all.

Secrets

I wasn't going to post this quite yet because of my history. You know what I mean if you've followed my story. But I decided this afternoon that there's no sense in keeping it THAT quiet. I am still whispering though so only you can hear me. I know that you all can keep a secret right?

Decided to POAS on Monday so as to not worry about my drinking on New Year's Eve.
EPT Early Detection came up with a + almost as soon as I set it down on the counter. I had J look at it too. All we both could say was "hmm..."
1st Beta was Wednesday at 2:30pm - 284
2nd Beta was today at 10:00am - 612 (doubling time of 1.8 days)
3rd Beta on Monday...

Oh. my. God. Oh. my. God.
I'm scared and excited at the same time. I have to try to figure out a way to get through each day without losing my sanity.

Please baby hold on tight and don't let go...