Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Silence

I'm sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I've thought about posting a lot this past week but haven;t been able to put the words together. I don;t know what to say except that this is all so strange to me. It's like being the p-word is only real inside the confines of my own four walls. Once outside the safety of my home, it's not real, it's not spoken about, and I do my best not to think about it. If I don't think about it, maybe nothing bad will happen. I know; it's crazy. But like I was telling J this morning, I feel like I am constantly waiting for someone to tell me bad news. Every day I wake up and pray, wish and hope that everything will keep going well for another day. Then every night I cross another day off of the calendar and think that I am one more day closer to this being real. I can't think farther than that - it's too scary.
My appointment with the RE is next week. Then I'll be released to my OB. Haven't even called to make an appointment yet. That's much to far away from now. Plus I'm afraid that if I say this out loud it will come to an end.
So, for now you all are my only outlet for fear,, venting, and worry. Hope I don't make you all crazy along with me.

4 comments:

K @ ourboxofrain said...

As you know, I'm totally with you on all this. You don't have to worry about making me crazy, since I'm already there. And when I made my OB appointment, I didn't use the p-word -- I somehow managed to be so vague that the receptionist asked so I could continue to avoid saying -- or even really thinking -- it.

msmiranda said...

Delurking to say that I completely understand how you feel -- I spent the first four months of my pregnancy constantly worried that it would end and was mega-paranoid about telling people, even after the 12-week ultrasound. Looking back on it now, I don't know how I got through those first days of worry before I got sick. Once I was sick, continuing to be sick was proof that everything was okay (in my mind anyway). Anyway, I am pulling for you and him/her.

A said...

I can also totally relate to your feelings. I feel like on the inside I'm sooo happy and excited, but I have a hard time showing it on the outside. One comforting thought, and I still have to remind myself, is that in this moment, I am pregnant and everything is going well. When my mind goes crazy thinking of all the "what ifs...", I have to remember this moment.

Malloryn said...

Hang in there. It is so unfair how infertility colors this experience. While most expectant mothers can feel joy from the outset, those who have dealt with IF feel anxious and fearful. I hope you can enjoy your pregnancy soon.