Friday, February 8, 2008

Sex, Lies, and Videotapes

At least one of those things is going on around here.
Have you ever felt like you are living a big lie? Like you are constantly hiding something from someone and if you're not careful about your story and what you tell to whom, you may end up caught? That is how I feel lately.
We still have not told anyone other than our immediate family, and don't have any plans to in the near future. So every day, I drag myself to work, and try to pretend that I am not feeling like complete crap. I look awful, I don't even have the energy to put on make-up so these people I work with must think something is up. I work with ALL women. Every one of them, except for a few in same-sex relationships, have children. These women can smell a pregnancy. But I continue to say I must have a stomach bug, or didn't sleep well, or excuse, excuse, excuse. I wonder if they suspect? They would certainly never ask (I don't think) after what I've been through.
I've had some phone conversations with family and they've asked about how our baby plans are coming along. (Rude I know but people ask this. Although I have never heard someone ask a couple when they last time they had sex was? But I guess by sharing our IF struggles they feel it's OK to ask) I have to lie to them. I am not a good liar - I wonder if they know? I just try to say that things are coming along and quickly try to change the subject. The one good thing about them is that I live a few hours away and don't see them on a regular basis, so they only hear my phone voice.
Also, had a job interview yesterday for a job I applied for back in September. Felt very decpetive then too. Obviously I didn't mention pregnancy or leave or anything like that but they said it may be another month or so before they make a decision. So what would I do then? I guess I cross that bridge when I get to it.
I don't like being deceptive but I really want to keep this a secret for a while longer. I hope I can keep my poker face on.

My first OB appointment is Monday afternoon. Only a few more days. I'm going to ask if they'll do an u/s either that day or if I can come in around the day things went bad last time for one. It would really help to ease my mind, just a tiny bit. I 've already prepared my list of questions and I'm sure Dr. C may feel like I am a paranoid person, but I don't care. I refuse to let my guard down this time. I feel like that is partly why things may have gone wrong before. I am just hoping and praying that everything goes OK on Monday.


Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Hoping and praying for you too! Good luck on Monday! :)

Malloryn said...

I hope your appointment goes well on Monday! Thinking about you :)