Breathless

That's what I am right now, and not from some steamy sex encounter J and I have had.
I have possibly the WORST cold ever in the history of mankind. Or maybe it just seems that way because I'm not allowed to take any kind of medication.
Wednesday afternoon I started feeling the familiar itching in the back of my throat. Thursday was the same thing in the morning so I was pretty relieved, maybe I'd escape the actual cold and it would just be a dry throat. But no, by Thursday afternoon it was a full force head/chest cold. Friday I spent my day at work using up an entire box of tissues and sneezing, I think, once every 5 minutes. Is there some kind of Guinness record for how many times someone sneezes during the day? I'll have to look it up because I bet I beat it.
Saturday, the sneezing continued only this time every time I sneezed it was three in a row. J, while a huge help when I don't feel well, thought this was the funniest thing, and remarked that there was one sneeze for each of us; me, Baby A, and Baby B. I, on the other hand, was completely worried that somehow the sneezing would hurt the babies, and immediately began consulting with Dr. Goo.gle about miscarriages caused by the common cold.
Today, the sneezing has stopped but now I am completely congested. I mean I can't breathe at all!! Nothing I can do helps - not the vicks vap-o-rub, not the throat drops, not the humidifier, and not the towel tent of steaming water. Nothing. Not to mention the lovely chapped face I have from using three boxes of tissue in three days.

So, I have resigned myself to the sofa for today, and most likely tomorrow too. Hopefully since colds only last about 7 days by Wednesday I may just be starting to feel better. If not, I can look forward to some cough medicine or a decongestant in about 2-3 weeks.

Frustrations

I guess I will never understand certain people’s ability, or lack thereof, to keep something a secret. It seems to me that it is simply a matter of respect for another person’s privacy. Apparently J’s family has a difficult time keeping things to themselves.

We decided to take a short weekend trip to visit our families this past weekend. Both of my sister’s were going to be in town and I don’t get to see them very often. Also, begin cautiously optimistic that this p-word thing will continue progressing; I figure I may not get to see them over the summer when we usually visit one another. Now, we have told my Dad, Grandma, and my two sisters but no one else in my family (we don’t want to tell extended family until after our next appointment with the OB) We also told J’s parents, grandmother, and one sister, and had planned on telling his other two siblings during our visit.
We get to J’s grandmother’s house on Saturday, where everyone was gathering. We were excited to be able to tell his other brother and sister. But, when they arrived, they both knew already! His Grandmother decided to share our news for us, and also thought it OK to tell some of his aunts, uncles, and cousins. Can you believe that! I was fuming!
They all proceeded to bombard us with questions which we felt really uncomfortable answering. So I did my best to give one word answers and try to change the subject. They even asked if we had names picked out yet! Names!! We haven’t even gotten to the point in this pregnancy of when our last loss occurred. Why in the world would we be picking out names now?!
To top it off, the town we are from is not that big in size. One of my cousin’s sons is friends with J’s sister’s son and we found out on Monday (after arriving home) that she decided to tell him when he was at her house the other day. So, now there are people in my family who also know our news already. And I was wondering why they were interrogating me about my “stomach bug” over the weekend.

When J called his grandmother to ask her why she told other people, her reply was, “well you’ve got to tell other people sometime.” Arrgh!!! It is really hard not to be angry with this woman. I understand she is in her 90’s and maybe doesn’t fully understand what she has done, but still, some respect for our news and our privacy would have been nice.

So that’s that. I am a little bit frustrated at this point but I guess there is nothing I can do. What’s done is done. Lesson learned though – we will not share any additional secrets with anyone in his family, ever.

On the p-word front. Today is 11w1d. I am really getting close to the time when we lost our last baby and am starting to have lots more anxiety and worry this past week, even more so than what I’ve normally been feeling. Hopefully, I can keep getting through this one day at a time. Symptoms still the same, although the nausea seems to be not so constant every day, but now the constipation is starting to come on full force. Can not wait until our next appointment. Seems like March 12^th is a lifetime away.

Thump, Thump, Thump, Thump...

That's the sound of the heartbeat I heard with the doppler yesterday at the OB appointment. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. Of course I started crying immediately. When she took out that doppler I was so afraid of a repeat of what happened last time, when I heard that sound it was such a huge relief!! Dr. C didn't look for the second heartbeat. She told me that with the doppler and with multiples it's too hard to distinguish if you're hearing a different one. Anyone know if that's really true or if she was just in a rush or something to get to her next patient?
Anyway, the appointment went well. Everything seems to be OK. They took 8 vials of blood and I was surprised I could even walk out of the door after all that blood loss. I will have an ultrasound every four weeks because of the twins, which I am thrilled about because the more looks inside the better. And, we decided against any screening tests. So next appointment is not until 4 weeks from now. Ugh! March 12th. I hope I can make it.
Start weaning off of the progesterone today - down to one suppository instead of two for the next week. That makes me nervous but RE said it's time.

Sex, Lies, and Videotapes

At least one of those things is going on around here.
Have you ever felt like you are living a big lie? Like you are constantly hiding something from someone and if you're not careful about your story and what you tell to whom, you may end up caught? That is how I feel lately.
We still have not told anyone other than our immediate family, and don't have any plans to in the near future. So every day, I drag myself to work, and try to pretend that I am not feeling like complete crap. I look awful, I don't even have the energy to put on make-up so these people I work with must think something is up. I work with ALL women. Every one of them, except for a few in same-sex relationships, have children. These women can smell a pregnancy. But I continue to say I must have a stomach bug, or didn't sleep well, or excuse, excuse, excuse. I wonder if they suspect? They would certainly never ask (I don't think) after what I've been through.
I've had some phone conversations with family and they've asked about how our baby plans are coming along. (Rude I know but people ask this. Although I have never heard someone ask a couple when they last time they had sex was? But I guess by sharing our IF struggles they feel it's OK to ask) I have to lie to them. I am not a good liar - I wonder if they know? I just try to say that things are coming along and quickly try to change the subject. The one good thing about them is that I live a few hours away and don't see them on a regular basis, so they only hear my phone voice.
Also, had a job interview yesterday for a job I applied for back in September. Felt very decpetive then too. Obviously I didn't mention pregnancy or leave or anything like that but they said it may be another month or so before they make a decision. So what would I do then? I guess I cross that bridge when I get to it.
I don't like being deceptive but I really want to keep this a secret for a while longer. I hope I can keep my poker face on.

My first OB appointment is Monday afternoon. Only a few more days. I'm going to ask if they'll do an u/s either that day or if I can come in around the day things went bad last time for one. It would really help to ease my mind, just a tiny bit. I 've already prepared my list of questions and I'm sure Dr. C may feel like I am a paranoid person, but I don't care. I refuse to let my guard down this time. I feel like that is partly why things may have gone wrong before. I am just hoping and praying that everything goes OK on Monday.