In our world today everyone seems to be in such a rush. As I sit at the store cafe looking around I notice everyone hurrying through the store buying their last minute holiday gifts, eating lunch fast to get back to work, talking on their cell phones, and working on their wireless laptops. (Just a FYI: I haven’t even started by shopping yet. I’ve got 4 days to buy, wrap, and pack everything I need for our Christmas visit with the family). And the holidays just exasperate the pace at which we live. Add one more thing to our already too long list of things to do, and it’s enough to push many of us over the edge. Our world seems to move at such a fast pace that I think we sometimes forget to stop and think about other people. Slowing down and stopping to actually think about other people may be just what we all need. It couldn’t hurt.
One lesson that my infertility and pregnancy loss have taught me is how important compassion, empathy, and kindness are to other people. How one small kind word or gesture could be something that changes someone’s day. And how the opposite is also true. How not thinking carefully about what you’re saying, and to whom, could hurt as much as an actual wound.
I’ve said it before and probably will again – even though I now try my best to think carefully about what I’m saying and also about other people’s feelings I know that I probably won’t get that back in return. At least not from the fertile population. I apologize if you are part of that fertile community and you think differently of yourself. Just speaking from my own experience. From all of you though, in blog world, I do – your kind comments here help me more than I can say. Thank you for that.
Where was I headed with this? Oh yeah, I don’t think that people take other people’s feelings, situations, etc into consideration enough. With the holidays upon us I have pondered about my Grandmother and maybe the reason she doesn’t seem into the holiday spirit this year is because she’s lost two of her children in the past year (the rest of family says she’s just getting ornery with age), about my co-worker who passed away this year, and how her family is doing this first holiday season without her, and about our friends who have a new baby this year and how excited they must be to celebrate this year. I wonder though how many people will stop to remember that J and I were supposed to be buying a baby’s first Christmas ornament and playing Santa for the first time this year.
Even though the rest of the world won’t remember my baby – he didn’t live outside of me so no one else has any memories of him, and as far as the rest of society is concerned I am surely “over it’ by now – I decided that I wanted to do something to remember him by for Christmas.
I decided a few weeks ago that I would pick a name off of the Angel Tree at the mall. I chose a child who would be about the same age as my baby would have been. In the past few weeks I have thought a lot about the tag I picked off of that tree. Many times I thought about bringing it back and placing it back on the tree. This was going to be too hard for me to do – I haven’t stepped foot in a baby section of a store since before our loss. But I didn’t – I started thinking about that baby who may not have any presents for his first Christmas and I knew I had to go shopping.
I did go shopping for those gifts for that little boy today. I won’t tell you that it was easy. It took me a long time to pick things out because there was lots of time I had to stand there and collect myself, to keep the tears from coming. But I did it, and after I was done shopping and dropping off those gifts to the charity collecting them, I felt good. I felt like I had done something to help honor the memory I have of my baby.
Am I still sad that I’ll be celebrating Christmas without my baby? Yes. Will I always feel sadness for the baby I never got to know? Absolutely. But if I can do things to honor the memory I have of him, maybe I can feel a bit closer to him. Maybe my own little angel will be proud that I would have been his Mommy.
To all of you, I hope that you can all find some happiness and peace that comes with holidays, in whatever way is best for you. I know it is often so hard to do. Also, remember that even if no one in your real life remembers that you may be dealing with a life-altering crisis right now, or feeling the hurt of losses (whether they be the loss of dreams or the loss of lives) I will remember and I’ll be thinking of you.
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8 comments:
This is a wonderful post. Thank you for writing it.
I too have been trying to remember in this season how much the small things matter, working on making my contributions positive ones. On the charitable side, I got winter gear (hats, gloves, coats, and snowpants) for 2 small homeless children (ages 1 and 2) here in Boston and new undies for 8 poor children in Honduras through my church (I chose the undies, figuring people who were ambivalent about the project would be more likely to buy the toys and sweaters so I took what seemed like the least fun things to buy). On the small things scale, I fed a couple of people's expired parking meters when I saw the meterman coming, offered to help a mom carry her stroller over the icy sidewalk (though she turned me down), and helped a guy figure out how to get to his destination by public transit when no one would.
Sometimes I find that shining a light to help someone else in their darkness can help reflect some of that light into my own heart. I'll remember and think of you and J and the child you lost too.
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.
That is a very nice way to remember your son. I bought books for children in need. We always give to the Salvation Army too.
Wow, K, that was a beautiful last paragraph.
Ms I, such a kind post. I remember the morning a loved one died, I was oddly surprised that the people around me -- the other drivers, the clerks, etc -- that they couldn't see my world had changed. They didn't treat me as if I were in a fragile state.
I thought, too, of the times I was insensitive to the load another was carrying.
Your post really touched me.
Such a sweet post, you are a wonderful person for doing what you did...both physically for the small little boy and emotionally for yourself. I can only imagine how hard shopping must have been, but wonderful at the same time.
That was so good of you, picking out something for that little boy. It must have been so hard to be in that store, but you stuck with it and now you will have brightened someone's holiday. Thank you for sharing this.
That was a beautiful and brave thing to do.
I know that the world doesn't remember the children I have lost and that hurts. Like you pointed out, other people have their own reasons for finding the holidays difficult.
I think it is lovely that a little boy now will havea sightly better day since you took the time to make it happen,
I just came along your blog on accident and started reading. I am about to start my first IUI process this month next week and I just wanted to say that your post really touched my heart. I know your son would be proud to have you as your mommy. I am so happy for you and your new baby. I hope this one sticks and you have a wonderful and healthy nine months. Thanks for touching me today. :)
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