The Infertile Long and Winding Road

How did I get here?

2008-09-29T11:41:00.008-04:00

First I apologize for not having a second of time to post much of anything since the bugs came home. Having twins is more challenging than I ever imagined.
I can't believe that today they are already five weeks old! FIVE WEEKS! I now am on the downslope of my maternity leave (which is freaking me out - but that's another post entirely) and the bugs have changed enormously since their birthday. Both boys are now over 8 1/2 pounds (which seems huge to me but I have to stop to remember that those weights are average for singletons) and Alex, who was my smaller bug at birth, has now surpassed his "bigger" brother in weight.
Life in our house is definitely stressful - to say the least. We are severely sleep deprived, dealing with one baby who has a terrible bout of acid reflux and maybe colic, and trying to acclimate ourselves to having two infants, who always seem to want to have bad days/nights at the same time. I have to say I can completely understand how the divorce rate among families with multiples approaches 80%. J and I have to work hard at not snapping at one another when the stress gets out of control. I know we'll be OK in the long run - but I can see how it is going to take a lot of work for us and the importance of making your marriage a priority as well as your children.

I've thought a lot the past few weeks and months about my journey to get where I am today. It has been a long road to travel - sometimes nearly breaking me. The early morning doctor appointments, the humiliation at having numerous doctors and nurses seeing my nether regions, the tests, needle jabs, bruises from injections, disappointment at failed cycles, excitement with positive pee sticks, heartache over lost pregnancies, stress on my marriage, and complete and utter amazement at the birth of the bugs.
J and I walked the long and winding road for over six years. There were times one or both of us wanted to stop, to turn off the road, and walk a different path. Somehow we kept going - and now I can't imagine what life would be like if we had stopped walking. Don't get me wrong - I am NOT naive at all after this whole experience. I know that there are far too many people who don't ever get off the "road". But I am glad that J and I made the decisions together to continue with treatment, even when they seemed futile. I hope for all IF couples that they are also able to find some way off of their own "road" - whatever way that is - and find peace with whatever decisions they make for their own situations.

I'm pretty confident that J and I will not be walking down the IF long and winding road anymore. Given our ages, and what it took to get the bugs, I can't see that we will pursue any additional fertility treatment in the future. And, I'm also pretty confident that there won't be any magical surprise pregnancies in our future either.
Since we've taken a turn and are walking down a different road now, I've decided to close this chapter of my journey and open the next one. I also don't want to write a lot about parenting after infertility on what started out as an infertility/pregnancy loss blog. I know how much it can hurt to read pregnancy and child related posts when you are in the throes of treatments, decision making, or when you've received news about negative cycles.

So, I've decided to write about our new "road" - parenting multiples after infertility - over here. I'll still be following your posts - sharing information about parenting with those of you who have gotten to that point, and cheering those of you on who are still walking the road. I hope that this blog will provide people facing infertility and pregnancy loss with help if they need it. That was one of my goals when I started it. There were certainly a huge number of you who gave me support when I needed it. I thank you for that. And I hope that maybe you'll stop by our new digs and see how J, the bugs, and I are all doing once in a while.

Because you asked

2008-09-13T12:46:00.003-04:00

Here they are - Lan.don on the top and Al.ex on the bottom. Our little bugs just a few hours after they were born.

I'm working on some more posts - I have a lot to share of things I've felt and thought about over the past few weeks. Now just finding some time to actually post them....

The Birthday Story

2008-09-11T13:12:00.006-04:00

As I promised, our AJ and LJ's birth story:

On Monday August 25th I woke at about 4a.m feeling weird. That's the only way I could explain it. I felt like (sorry if TMI) I had to go to the bathroom or had some awful gas pains. I kept trying to figure out what I had eaten the previous night that would have caused it. It didn't even occur to me that it could be labor beginning. I had told these two bugs it was time to come out every day for weeks -with no results. So why would today be any different?
After trying to go to the bathroom or pass some gas for quite some time I gave up and went back to bed. Couldn't sleep - the pressure in my chest and stomach hurt to much. J was sleeping on the sofa downstairs, as he typically has done since about the 4-month mark of this pregnancy (when my snoring became too much for him) so I turned on the television for a while.
4:30am - went to try to use the bathroom again. Noticed some slight pink spotting on the tp when I wiped. Hum. I guess that could be normal at this point. Maybe I'll call the OB when the office opens at 9am.
5am - one more trip to the bathroom and....well this seems like an awful lot of fluid for me to just be peeing. My water had broken. I found a big bath towel and tried my best to work my way downstairs to tell J. he was pretty calm and I told him that I wanted to call the OB on call to see what to do.
5:45am - called the on call OB, explained what had happened and that we were scheduled to have a c-section later that week. He told me we should head for the hospital then and he'd see us when we got there. I told J to put the suitcase in the car, while I went to go and shower. I don't know why I thought I needed to shower first but I was NOT going to the hospital without one so that's what I did.
8am - arrived at the hospital. Sent to triage where they checked me three times to be sure it was amniotic fluid that was leaking. Hooked up to fetal monitors and told to wait and see what happens.

Between 8am-10am the OB and nurses decided I was not really in active labor yet. Not even slightly dilated or effaced. There were two other scheduled c-sections that day so it looked like I would be waiting until after they were done with those. Luckily my contractions that I was feeling were pretty minor. By late morning they seemed to be getting slightly worse. I can not even imagine what you ladies who delivered naturally must have been through - my minor contractions were kicking my as*!

We ended up sitting in triage for about 6 hours (all the while leaking the amniotic fluid) before they finally took us into the OR for the c-section.
I was scared of the spinal but ready to have my bugs! It really wasn't so bad either. I bit nerve wracking when I heard behind me that the resident was doing it instead of the anesthesiologist (we delivered at a teaching hospital) and considering that I have panic attacks when I get a Novocaine shot at the dentist due to lack of control over my body.
It took what seemed to be a matter of minutes and they were taking Baby A out first (with the OB shocked that he was the littler one weighing in at 5lbs 10 ozs) and then Baby B was out, who weighed 6lbs 8ozs. Not bad for a 5ft2in girl like me.
J watched as the NICU doctors examined them and then left the room because they were both, thankfully, healthy and well.

Once in the recovery room, and the spinal wearing off so I wasn't afraid of dropping them, I finally got to hold my two beautiful bugs. They were everything I ever dreamed they would be. Tiny, perfect, beautiful little beings.
Finally J and I could start the next leg of our journey.

The Big Arrival

2008-09-01T10:33:00.002-04:00

Our little AJ and LJ have arrived - before the scheduled date that Dr. OB and I decided on. They finally listened and decided to come out on their own. C-Section went fine and since August 25th at 2:41pm our life has been forever changed.
I can't describe the love and the emotions I feel for these perfect beings.

More on the birth story to come...

The Plan

2008-08-19T16:45:00.003-04:00

OB appointment today went well. Ultrasound still shows Baby A a little smaller than Baby B and both are face down. A is vertex and B is breech. Heartbeats, etc all look good.
Dr. OB said we could try naturally but she couldn't guarantee that even with the best doctor that they would be able to turn Baby B into a head down position after A is born - and I may end up going through labor and then having a c-section for the second baby. So, we decided to schedule a c-section to avoid that issue altogether. A little longer hospital stay and recovery time but I want to avoid having both labor and a c-section so that was the way to go.
Unless these boys decide to come out on their own we'll be scheduled for next Friday, August 29th.
J and I are so excited - less than 10 days and we will finally meet these two little bugs!! A little nervous too!

The dreaded internal exam

2008-08-11T15:54:00.002-04:00

I've heard a lot about this exam and it appears as of now that I may have evaded this one altogether. I had my 36 week appointment with Dr. OB today and all she did was a weight, blood pressure, and fundal height measurement. That's it. I went expecting an internal but she didn't do one, and didn't even mention it. Maybe since it really tells you nothing about when labor will truly begin she doesn't do them at all? Maybe she doesn't do them to her worrywart patients in hopes of not causing any spotting for them? Whatever her reasoning I am glad.
So, now next week I will have another NST, and ultrasound, and another appointment with Dr. OB. She also told me today that if these babies don't decide to arrive on their own by next week's appointment, then after getting some estimates on weights from the ultrasound, we'll come up with a delivery plan. Since my fundal height and weight are not growing nearly as quickly as they have she's starting to think it's time for them to arrive.

I can't believe we're almost there. Still no signs that I can see from these bugs that they want out, so maybe we'll be scheduling a c-section after all?
Just one more week, and if no babies, then at least we'll have a plan by then.

All Shapes and Sizes

2008-08-06T13:34:00.002-04:00

Even when they are in-utero people assume twins are going to be alike. Even those that are not identical. Since my last Dr. appointment I've been telling family, friends and co-workers that we need to have an NST due to the fact that we're having multiples and also to be sure the estimated weight difference between the two is not a concern. Nearly everyone comments on how much bigger Baby B is estimated to be than Baby A, and then asks me why? Gee, I don't know, maybe because people are all different.
Apparently at this point it looks like we are just going to have two different sized babies. The NST was reactive this morning, with both babies showing good heart rate reactions to movement. And, did they ever move! The nurse finally ended the test even though they wouldn't be still at the end. There was no sign of any contractions at all either.
So, that means they are both doing well, estimated weight differences shouldn't signal IUGR, and the placentas are doing well also. I'll have another test in about a week or so, if the bugs decide not to arrive by then. I have to admit though - I am getting anxious! J and I finished packing the hospital bags last night and now all there is left to do is a few more loads of baby laundry and then just wait.
Blood pressure is still a little high though so we have to keep watching that.
Group B strep test done - hopefully results will be OK. And, much to my co-workers' surprise I still have yet to have an internal exam. From what I've heard about them though I am hoping that I can escape without one ever! The GBS test hurt enough!

34w2d

2008-08-01T13:51:00.003-04:00

Today was my 34 week OB appointment and, well, I guess it was not as uneventful this time as I would have liked. Nothing too serious but still some things to cause me worry.
The ultrasound went great. Both babies looked good, with good heartbeats. Both of these bugs are camera shy and we haven't seen anything but their backs and the backs of their heads for the past three ultrasound scans. At the end of the scan the tech gave me their estimated weights - Baby A is at 4lbs6ozs, and Baby B is at 6lbs1oz. The she says that can't be right because last time they were both measuring a week ahead and now Baby B is still a week ahead but Baby A is a week behind.
I then go into a different room for my appointment with Dr. OB. She says that the growth discordance is not a huge problem at this point - they may just end up being different size people. But (I hate the But) she wants to do a NST exam just to be sure that there isn't placental problems or overcrowding going on - in which case we'd have to deliver. Add to that the fact that the amniotic fluid level for Baby A is starting to get lower and we may be looking at some IntraUterine Growth Issues. Common in 1 out of 4 twin pregnancies.
So, I will have a NST exam weekly until delivery at this point.
The other glitch today was that my blood pressure is looking a little higher than normal. Normally it's on the low side and it is starting to go up - not high at this point but higher than MY normal. So, she wants to keep a closer eye on that. So, I have to have that checked once a week now also. Another common problem in a twin pregnancy.

So, neither issue seems to be completely out of control at this point, but both will still require some extra monitoring. I'm glad though that we're so close to being considered full-term at this point. That is one thing that really eases my mind a bit. I feel like they would both be OK should we have to deliver at any time.
I am going to try not to worry too much - and hope that we're just going to end up with one little chunky baby and one little peanut.

Uneventful Chaos

2008-07-22T18:30:00.003-04:00

I'm still here - no babies yet.
Had another uneventful OB appointment today - will be 33 weeks tomorrow. Heartbeats still good, growth still good and I've gained a total of 42 pounds so far. Getting so big I can barely move around much. But I will take it for another 3 weeks or so - just to make sure these boys are a good enough size to be able to come home from the hospital right away.
I'm now at weekly appointments until the babies decide to arrive. Another ultrasound next week and I'm thinking that will probably be the last one since we only do them every 4 weeks and next week I'll be at 34 weeks plus. I don't foresee myself getting to 38 weeks without giving birth. Maybe I'm wrong, but I've been having more frequent BH contractions and I've been feeling pretty crampy at night and I think the nesting is starting to kick in some. Woke from a nap the other day with an overwhelming urge to organize things.
We've got to do some serious organizing too. The room is not even close to being ready. It is painted and the wallpaper border is hung but that is it! We've got to purchase the carpet, assemble all the furniture, put it in the room, finish washing clothes, and put them in the closets, and wash bottles/nuks, etc and get that stuff organized too. Hopefully it will all get done - I don't think we'll have much time for that after the boys get here. It'll be too chaotic then.
I've also been trying to cook and freeze casseroles so J and I have something to eat the first few weeks with new babies. Thank goodness work agreed to the part-time hours, with part-time vacation. It has helped immensely with my swelling and with my ability to get stuff done around here without complete exhaustion.
Still no names picked yet.

It seems like I wouldn't let J do anything for so long and now time seems to be running out and now I feel like I won't ever get all of the things done that I need to before the babies make their appearance. Having dealt with IF for so long I just couldn't let myself get ready for babies too early. I still struggle with that every day, and with each thing I buy, or wash, or put together. It is still just so hard to imagine that babies will be at the end of this all.

30w6d

2008-07-08T08:24:00.003-04:00

Traveling home for the shower my family had for me went well. I do know now why they tell pregnant women not to travel late in their pregnancies. The ride in the car was so uncomfortable - and it was only about 2 1/2 hours. It was great to see my family, who by the way were completely shocked by how huge I am! Of course they haven't seen me since February.
Then shower was beautiful and I have to say that my family and friends have been so generous! We have everything we need - I mean everything. I don't think we'll have to purchase anything for these two little bugs - except toys. That's one thing we didn't get any of - which is fine since they won't even know what toys are for about 6 months anyway. Diapers may be another thing - we did get lots but according to my estimated calculations what we got may only last us for about 2-3 weeks. Yikes! We also have enough gift cards to help with that too though.
So aside from getting the furniture delivered and set-up and actually in the room, I think we're on our way to being ready for these babies to arrive.

Had my 30 week appointment with Dr. OB yesterday which again, thankfully, went fine. Ultrasound showed Baby A vertex, still facing down (so no cute pictures - he must be shy or stubborn) and measuring 3lbs10ozs, and Baby B still transverse and measuring 4lbs3ozs. They are in the 57% and 63% for weight. That eases my mind quite a bit because I am very fearful of having them and they being too small and having to spend a lot of time in the NICU. But growth seems good and if they stay put for at least a few more weeks they should be good size to be able to come home right away after birth. Blood pressure still good, weight gain at 40 pounds (OMG) but I have so much swelling in my feet, ankles, and calves, that I think I'd lose a good 5-10 pounds if it weren't for them. I have been extremely tired lately too - I get up, get to work, and by 10am I'm ready for a nap. So, Dr. OB wrote me out of work half-time. I'm talking to my boss today about reducing my hours. I'm hoping it's OK with them and they don;t ask me to go out completely. I figure if I can work part-time I can stay until the babies are born. I just need a little more rest. Carrying 8 pounds of baby is tough - especially when you consider that I still have another 5-7 weeks to go.

Skipped childbirth class last night. We had a substitute teacher and I was completely exhausted. Figured I wouldn't miss too much. Next week's focus is on medication. Plus Thursday we have a parent's survival skills class where we will learn diaper changing, caring for umbilical cords and circumcisions, taking a temperature, giving a bath, and all other real-life practical things you'd need to know for baby. Looking forward to that one - A little secret about me - I have never changed a diaper in my life.

Time keeps on slippin into the future....

2008-06-26T09:20:00.004-04:00

Wow, lots has happened since my last post. Sometimes I don't even know where the time goes. J and I are both starting to freak out a bit at the number of days left until our little bugs could arrive. Of course anythings possible but that ticker says 70-something days and I've been subtracting 30 from that number all along, since 50% of twins arrive early. I am hoping that I can make it to 36 weeks though - just so that they have sufficient cooking time and hopefully will not have to be in the NICU at all.
That's only about 6 weeks left to go.

I had my 3 hour Glucose test last week. While it was worse than the one hour it still wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. The worst part was sitting at the lab for 3 hours! I read 3 entire magazines in that time. Luckily two days later I found out that I passed. Whew! Apparently even though you can eat and drink normally prior to the one hour test, it is not wise to drink chocolate milk before the test. I think that's what must have thrown off the one hour results. But for now I can continue to eat my carbs and not be overly concerned.
My appointment with Dr. OB earlier this week was again, thankfully, uneventful. No ultrasound this time, just measuring, weighing, blood pressure, and all the other normal things. I am up 33 pounds at 29 weeks. Dr. OB also informed me that I am now measuring the same size as someone pregnant with a singleton at 40 weeks. Have to keep an eye out for signs of PTL now but so far I've only had some slight BH contractions that go away with drinking water or moving around.
My co-workers had a shower for me yesterday. I work with a bunch of very generous people. We got clothes, gift cards, bouncy seats, diaper bag, toys, bedding, and 4 boxes of diapers! Hard to believe that they would want to have a shower for me after I haven't attended one in a few years. But I think since they all knew about our IF struggles they all understood, to some extent, why I wasn't attending.

We began our childbirth classes this week too. Of course everyone in the class had questions for us during the break about twins. We were the most popular couple in the class. I even had a woman who is due in just 4 weeks let me cut in line for use of the bathroom. How bad is that?! She said it would be easier for her to wait with just one baby pressing down on the bladder than for me to wait with two.
I think that the classes will be helpful but not sure how much of the relaxation tips really help. I guess I'm a bit skeptical that breathing is going to help with that level of pain. Looking forward to the class that actually teaches us about all of the different pain relief options available to us.

My family is having a shower for us next week - over the holiday weekend. Luckily Dr. OB said it was OK to travel the 2 1/2 hours to go to it. My sisters were a bit worried about whether I'd be there or not. I'm excited to see them - they haven't seen me since February when I was about 10 weeks along. Boy, will they be shocked!!
After that J and I will have our hands full putting things together, washing clothes, and getting things in order. I'm very thankful for that - thankful that we are getting closer to my hands being full rather than empty.

26w6d

2008-06-10T17:06:00.004-04:00

OB appointment went well again yesterday. Ultrasound was good - both babies were facing toward my back and wouldn't roll over so we didn't get many good pictures. But growth is good and both babies still are measuring close in size to one another. One baby is 2.4 pounds and the other is 2.5 pounds. Both have hair too. Baby A is head down and B is transverse (is that right??) and sitting in my chest right now, which explains my inability to breathe.
Everything else is normal except I failed my Glucose Challenge Test. Result came back at 160 and should have been under 140. Now I'll have to do the 3-hour fasting test sometime in the next two weeks. Hopefully this one goes better and I don't really have Gestational Diabetes.
They also noticed that one baby's left kidney is slightly larger than the right. If it remains only a slight difference, as long as he's able to urinate when he's born we're OK. If the discrepancy in the sizes grows he'll have to see a urologist when he's born and possibly have surgery to correct what could be a urinary tract obstruction caused by a congenital defect. Hopefully that won't happen. It is hard not to freak out when your OB says, "Now don't get upset..." But after hearing what she had to say and doing a little research myself (albeit at Goo.gle University) I do feel fairly confident that even if there is a problem it is correctable and nothing really life-threatening.

I think I'm starting to have Brax.ton Hick.s too. Not sure, because I don't know what they're supposed to feel like, but I do think that's what's happening today. Mostly when I sit in my horribly uncomfortable chair at work. If I get out of the chair and move around they go away. Feels like cramps though. I'm assuming it's normal since they go away when i change positions but if you've got any thoughts on them, please share.

Next appointment - 2 weeks

Crying Spells

2008-06-08T06:56:00.003-04:00

My sisters mailed out the invitations for the shower they are having for me. I cried when I got it in the mail - It is so cute. A Noah's Ark picture since we're having two. It's planned for fourth of July weekend and I am praying that Dr. OB allows me to travel for it. It's about 3 hours away and I'll be 30 weeks at that point. She was a bit hesitant to let me go 2 hours away last month. I really want to travel home for it - after all they planned, plus the fact that I haven't seen my family since winter.
My co-workers are also planning a shower for the same week - during the week though after work one evening. I cried when they told me about it and they emailed the invite to all staff. Dealing with other people's pregnancies after our loss and subsequent months of treatment, I can honestly say that I was not the nicest person to be around at work. It is a lot to deal with and we are all entitled to our feelings and coping mechanisms. It's just very nice of them to still plan a shower for me, even though I didn't attend either of the past two they've had for other people in the past year.
J and I went garage sale-ing and found a ton of baby clothes for all ages from newborn to 2 years. They were so cute - I cried when I got them home and started sorting them by age. Ducks and frogs and trucks. So many cute little tiny clothes. Hard to imagine that we will have two little people wearing them soon.
It has een extremely HOT here the past few days and I am really swollen in my ankles and hands. Nothing extreme enough to warrant medical attention but not comfortable either. I cried the other day because my feet were so swollen that it almost hurt to walk.

Are you noticing a pattern here? I have suddenly become an emotional wreck. The tiniest things set me off and I can't control it.

Don't EVER watch Finding Ne.mo when you are hyper-emotional. I could NOT stop the tears last night while watching that movie. The part where the Dad tells the ne.mo baby fish egg that he'll never let anything happen to him (like in the beginning of the movie) is when the tears started and continued throughout the entire movie. Every scene showing how much the Dad loved his Ne.mo and every kick I felt during the movie set off the water works.
I never imagined it was possible to love two people (whom I've yet to meet) so much and I just keep praying that things continue to go as planned and we can meet these bugs in about 90 days.

Flat Orange Soda...Yum

2008-06-05T12:34:00.004-04:00

Finished the Glucose Challenge Test this morning - and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The drink was sweet but not terrible. Maybe it helped that Dr. OB gave it to me beforehand and I had the chance to chill it in the refrigerator first.
The only side effects from the drink are some dizziness and now feeling pretty tired. Glad I took the day off of work to nap in case I needed it. Formerly Pregnant co-worker told me she needed to afterward.

Next OB appointment is on Monday. They won't have my results yet - I think it takes about a week for them to get them. But I'm not too worried. J is diabetic and I've used his tester a few times this past week. I checked a fasting level, and levels after eating and drinking two big glasses of OJ. All of those results were normal so I'm hoping the GCT results will be fine.

Ultrasound on Monday too! I'm excited about that and J is able to go to this appointment with me. I love every peek inside that I can get.

Viability

2008-05-22T12:35:00.003-04:00

24 weeks. Another milestone achieved. One more down on this (what seems like) awfully long p-word journey. 50% of babies born now would survive. Not great odds I know but also some little piece of mind that doctors would work to save my babies should something go terribly wrong now.
We ordered and got the border for "the room" in the mail yesterday. We decided on this bedding. This weekend we'll probably go looking for paint samples but are thinking about either a green or yellow. The bathroom these babies will use is already painted blue so we don't want the room blue also.
So much to do, and we've waited a long time to do it because of my fear of jinxing things. But the realization that because we've got twins that these bugs could be here in a short 12 weeks or so really struck me the other day. We have got to get going on things.

Next OB appointment in 2 weeks with another ultrasound.
Next mile marker -- 28 weeks.

Just Updates

2008-05-12T14:37:00.004-04:00

This past week my emotions have run the gamut from happy, to sad, to extremely worried and scared.
First I had a scary day the beginning of last week. I was at work, and needed to use the ladies room, for the millionth time that day. Lately I've been feeling like one of these bugs is sitting right on my bladder. I constantly feel the urge to use the bathroom, but most times, it's not very productive. I went to the bathroom, left, and proceeded to head upstairs to the water cooler. On my way back down the stairs, I felt some fluid leaking out of me. I ran back in the bathroom as quick as I could, fearing seeing red. No red, but definitely something clearish.
By this point I'm practically shaking so I go back to my desk, sit down and put my feet up. My head is spinning about what to do so I consult with Dr. Google about pPROM and premature labor symptoms. Everything I can find says that if there is amniotic fluid leaking it would not stop leaking. So, I decide to sit with my feet up for a while, and when I get up again if there is another leak go to the ER immediately. Sat there for 45 minutes, got up and nothing. I also in this time of consulting with Dr. Google found out that if the fetus kicks your bladder you could leak urine. Decided to keep a close eye on the amount of discharge I had over that evening and the next few days (until my next OB appointment) to see if anything else happened. Thank goodness, nothing since then. Apparently, I wet my pants without realizing it. I had no idea this could happen. Another surprising pregnancy "symptom".
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Had another OB appointment this week too. I am now 22w4d. Luckily the OB appointment was very uneventful. She just weighed me, took my blood pressure, listened to the two beating hearts, and measured my stomach. I have gained a total of 24 pounds so far - exactly where I wanted to be based on some twin pregnancy books I've been reading. Everything else is good thus far. Next appointment is still going to be another month away (I was hoping to start every other week now because I still get the nightmares and horrible thoughts with the longer time between appointments). But one more monthly visit and then we'll start every other week. Next appointment will be another ultrasound too. Can;t wait to see how much they've grown in there since last time.
I'll have to do my gestational diabetes test before next appointment too. I have my flat orange drink in the fridge ready to go whenever I decide to go to the lab.

Babies have been kicking up a storm in there too, which is pretty amazing! I am so glad to finally be able to really feel them. Not just bubbles popping anymore, but real distinguishable kicks and punches. Love it! J felt it too the other day. He seemed awe-struck and I think this p-word is finally starting to feel more real for him.
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A mixed bunch of emotions for yesterday. I am happy that someone actually wished me a Happy Mother's day (although it felt both good and odd to me at the same time). It also made me sad to think about my own mom who is not with us anymore, and how much she would have loved these two bugs. And it made me reflect on where I've been in past years' on this day, made me think of the baby we lost, and of all of the people who still are not even where I'm at yet.

Registries, and Showers, and Names...Oh My!

2008-05-02T12:22:00.003-04:00

I've been so afraid of even thinking about this p-word thing for so long that now I feel almost claustrophobic about how much there is to do in the next few months. It's just all so scary to imagine that I'm more than half-way there and "normal" people (those not affected by IF or pregnancy loss) think that it's getting close enough for us to start buying furniture and baby things.
After much debate within my head (and with J) I finally decided that it would be OK to allow my sisters to have the shower they offered to have for me. Just thinking about it still makes me hyperventilate a bit though. But, I am trying hard to feel and start to act like a p-word person. Problem is the old IF feelings always have a way of coming through. My co-workers act surprised that I don't share news about what I'm feeling on a daily basis, and seem shocked that I still worry about and fear upcoming OB appointments. If they only knew what it is really like to be in these shoes.

J and I will probably start painting "the room" by the end of this month - once we can open windows. I figure, if anything, we at least have to have the room painted and have something for these two little bugs to sleep in when they arrive.

I worked so hard for so long to avoid anything p-word related that I have to admit I was surprised this morning that I am already starting to outgrow my m-clothes. I NEVER would have thought you could outgrow these things! And still about four months to go. I may have to have my OB take me out of work simply for the fact that I won't have anything acceptable to fit me to wear to the office.

A Friend's Sad Story

2008-04-15T18:12:00.004-04:00

Some of you may remember me talking about my two pregnant co-workers in the past. There was pregnant co-worker and annoying pregnant co-worker (who had a habit of belly rubbing in front of me and making announcements at staff meetings when I was unable to run for the door). I haven't spoken about them in a while as I've had other things on my mind (read: my own p-word)
Since I last shared stories about them they have both since had their babies and I was fortunate to escape baby showers without much trouble. Even being the p-word I don't think I could have gone without completely freaking myself out. Pregnant co-worker returned to work after maternity leave and I have to say she is the kindest person I have ever met. When she found out about my p-word she was genuinely happy and excited for me, even though I could barely muster up two questions to her for her whole pregnancy. She has since been my sounding board when I need someone to help keep me sane and also to answer questions about new baby things. She's a better person than I - I don't know if I could have been so nice given my not so enthusiastic Congrats when she told me she was pregnant.
Annoying pregnant co-worker had her baby too - also a healthy baby boy. She was due to come back from maternity leave next week. Was...

Yesterday we found out that her 6-week old baby became terribly ill over the weekend and passed away from meningitis.
I can not imagine what her and her husband are going through. I wish that I could just take all that pain away somehow...but I know that's impossible. All I can do is pray that they find strength to get through this awful, awful tragedy. I'm sorry M for your great loss. You and your family, and your sweet little boy, are in my thoughts and prayers.

I sit here and look at the ultrasound pictures of my babies and try very hard to think only good thoughts. I can't help but wonder why good people so often have to face such horrible tragedies.

Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice or Snakes, Snails and Puppy Dog Tails?

2008-04-08T14:00:00.003-04:00

Thanks for those positive thoughts and prayers - they were heard. The OB appointment today went well. Again the ultrasound tech had a run for her money. These two little buggers would NOT sit still. They were kicking, punching, rolling over, and putting their arms over their heads. They were even kicking each other and fighting to get into the u/s picture. Baby A is going to be more of the troublemaker - very uncooperative. Baby B at least settled down a little to get measured.
Growth is still good and both are still just about the same size, which is really good. Heart rates were perfect - 150 and 160.
I've gained about a total of 17 pounds so far, which apparently for twins is good to gain so much in the beginning because their growth slows down after about 5 months.

She was able to get photos of their "parts", after a little (read: lots) coaxing with A. She put them in a sealed envelope and when I left the OB office I drove straight to J's work. We have been torn about finding out the gender. We always thought we didn't want to know. All we really care about is having live, healthy babies. Then we thought with two it might be easier if we knew. Then we decided we didn't want to know. Then we figured she could just seal them up in an envelope and we could open it whenever we chose to. You can see how this went for us the past few weeks. With envelope in hand I asked J what he thought. First he said we should wait. Then almost immediately he said to open it. So we did...

And we found two pictures - both showing us boy parts!

Next appointment not for another month. I won' have an ultrasound then but hopefully I'll be really feeling those kicks and punches by then.
Another hurdle down and I just hope and pray things keep going well. I can't wait to meet my two little guys.

The Honeymoon Stage

2008-04-07T06:38:00.003-04:00

Apparently the person who coined this phrase does not have a dictionary with the words infertility or miscarriage in it.

Supposedly this is supposed to be the best part of my p-word. But, for example, I still have a hard time even mentioning the word. Yes, my morning sickness is gone and my energy is returning a bit. But I still obsessively run to the bathroom checking my underwear every time I feel something down there, I worry incessantly about not having felt the babies yet (even though I'm only 18 weeks this week), and I have awful nightmares about my babies each time I begin approaching another OB appointment.
For someone who has fought the IF battle there is no "honeymoon" phase. There seems only to be fear, worry and anxiety. And if I could fast-forward to September and just have these babies born, I would do so in an instant.

My 18-week appointment is tomorrow. I'm nervous. J can't come with me - someone at his work quit last week and now he has to cover their shift. I'm going to be all alone and I'm scared. Any prayers for a good appointment with both babies doing well would definitely be appreciated. That's what I'll be doing all day today - just praying for good things tomorrow.

Sorry I've been a terrible blogger lately. I promise I will start getting better again.

14 week appointment

2008-03-13T17:16:00.002-04:00

Had my appointment with OB yesterday and got to have an ultrasound beforehand. I'll be having an ultrasound every 4-6 weeks because of the twins. I was so nervous, to say the least. J too. I think we were both on the verge of nervous breakdown. The tech must have thought I was crazy because I was just about hyperventilating.
The tech and J had a different screen to look at than I did because they were standing facing the opposite way than the way I was laying on the table. When she put the wand on and the image appeared I just about lost it. It didn't look like it was moving at all and it was so far away I couldn't make out a heartbeat. She must have known I was about to freak out because she said that they were both moving around like acrobats and then she proceeded to point out both little hearts beating away. Of course, that brought my tears right away.
We got to see arms and legs, and feet, and hands, and bladders, and what I think will be their genius brains. And did they ever move; they would NOT sit still for one minute. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be feeling those kicks and they will be very welcome, each and every one of them.
She measured their heart rates and they were 153 and 164. And they were both similar in size which I guess is good with twins, so one is not growing faster than the other.
She asked us if we wanted to know the gender but we said not yet. We're still undecided about that.
After that I met with Dr. OB and all she did was tell me my cervix length was fine (at 43mm) and all bloodwork came back normal. She brought out the doppler too but the twins must have been facing my back at that point because she could barely pick up a muffled sound. I tell ya if she had done that first, before the scan, I would have definitely been sick. I hate those dopplers.
My next appointment won't be for another month. I had hoped for sooner as we had talked about more frequent appointments but she said growth was good and no need to come back for another 4 weeks. At least I'll have another scan then. And I think at that point it will be our Level II.

We got over one more hurdle, we got three great pics and we finally told the rest of our family.

The End of the First Tri

2008-03-05T12:16:00.004-05:00

13 weeks today. Hooray! It has been a looong three months - with all of the anxiety and worry. I thought it would start to go away, and maybe in the next few weeks it will. But I'm still really nervous. Maybe that will never go away though. I do know that I will feel slightly better after my u/s next week - seeing the babies moving around will be a relief. I'm just praying that it all goes well.
My sickness is starting to diminish a bit. I'm noticing that it's not so constant anymore, just a few times throughout the day now. But I am still absolutely exhausted - just a regular work day still wears me out.
Went m-clothes shopping. Could not hold off anymore. Every pair of pants I had was cutting into my stomach and leaving big read marks on it. I am actually showing. Don't know if I will make it to next week to start telling people - it's becoming clearly obvious.

Embryo Culture

2008-03-04T17:00:00.002-05:00

Sorry once again for my late post. I just can't seem to get it together enough to post anything - still just very very tired all the time.
I thought this was a great book. An easy read that only took me a few days time to read the entire book. I related a lot to what the author explained about questioning faith, and questioning treatments.

The author describes her journey through infertility both in terms of a faith journey and a process of scientific discovery. How has infertility impacted your faith journey and your views of science/technology?
Infertility really did not affect my views of science and technology much. I've always been fascinated by science and its abilities. My faith journey however was much more impacted by my struggle with infertility. Growing up Catholic I started out believing that IF must have been some sort of punishment for something I'd done wrong, then it became hard to realize that no matter how much I prayed it wasn't going to change anything. I became angry with God or anything that had to do with religion at all. It also angered me to think that the church would not recognize any children I had conceived through ART - but this was less of an issue for me because I have always viewed the church and God as separate, if that's at all possible. Then the loss of our first pregnancy really changed my views. I just could not believe that my God would want my baby to have died, that it was some grand plan. Working through my grief after the loss, I came to believe that I could no longer pray for what I wanted or needed, that just wasn't how my God works. He doesn't make bad things happen, nor does he make good things happen. Things just happen. I couldn't pray for a pregnancy, otherwise everyone who hoped for that would be pregnant. I can't pray for a healthy baby - otherwise all babies would be born healthy. I can't pray for tangible things. All I can pray for are things like strength to get through the grief after the loss, courage to face every day of this pregnancy, and hope for a better tomorrow. What really changed my religious views the most? - The book When bad things happen to good people.

The author also talks about how many embryos should be transferred at any given cycle. Should there be a limit?
I think there should be a limit based on things such as age, previous ART failures, and embryo quality. I think it is a responsibility of the physician to place the limit, not on some group of people who may never have met the patient though. I think we need to remember that reproductive endocrinology is a business as much as it is a medical specialty and there are people who are in it to make money. Without limits physicians could transfer any number of embryos to help pad their clinic's figures with the CDC, not keeping patient care as their top priority. It would be irresponsible of a physician to transfer a high number of embryos to a young patient with no previous failed cycles. I think RE's who would do this are simply looking to increase their success rates and make more money.

The author mentions that going through infertility and IVF made her think differently with abortion? Has this changed anyone's position on abortion or did IVF change the way you thought about it?
It has not changed my views on abortion at all. I still believe in a women's right to choose and I also choose to believe that the majority of people who have an abortion have struggled in some way with their decision. I don't think most people have an abortion without some serious decision making. I will never understand another person's circumstance unless I am that person so I feel I have no place to judge them for making a certain decision.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Mistress's Daughter by A.M. Homes (with author participation!)

Breathless

2008-02-24T15:43:00.004-05:00

That's what I am right now, and not from some steamy sex encounter J and I have had.
I have possibly the WORST cold ever in the history of mankind. Or maybe it just seems that way because I'm not allowed to take any kind of medication.
Wednesday afternoon I started feeling the familiar itching in the back of my throat. Thursday was the same thing in the morning so I was pretty relieved, maybe I'd escape the actual cold and it would just be a dry throat. But no, by Thursday afternoon it was a full force head/chest cold. Friday I spent my day at work using up an entire box of tissues and sneezing, I think, once every 5 minutes. Is there some kind of Guinness record for how many times someone sneezes during the day? I'll have to look it up because I bet I beat it.
Saturday, the sneezing continued only this time every time I sneezed it was three in a row. J, while a huge help when I don't feel well, thought this was the funniest thing, and remarked that there was one sneeze for each of us; me, Baby A, and Baby B. I, on the other hand, was completely worried that somehow the sneezing would hurt the babies, and immediately began consulting with Dr. Goo.gle about miscarriages caused by the common cold.
Today, the sneezing has stopped but now I am completely congested. I mean I can't breathe at all!! Nothing I can do helps - not the vicks vap-o-rub, not the throat drops, not the humidifier, and not the towel tent of steaming water. Nothing. Not to mention the lovely chapped face I have from using three boxes of tissue in three days.

So, I have resigned myself to the sofa for today, and most likely tomorrow too. Hopefully since colds only last about 7 days by Wednesday I may just be starting to feel better. If not, I can look forward to some cough medicine or a decongestant in about 2-3 weeks.

Frustrations

2008-02-21T16:17:00.001-05:00

I guess I will never understand certain people’s ability, or lack thereof, to keep something a secret. It seems to me that it is simply a matter of respect for another person’s privacy. Apparently J’s family has a difficult time keeping things to themselves.

We decided to take a short weekend trip to visit our families this past weekend. Both of my sister’s were going to be in town and I don’t get to see them very often. Also, begin cautiously optimistic that this p-word thing will continue progressing; I figure I may not get to see them over the summer when we usually visit one another. Now, we have told my Dad, Grandma, and my two sisters but no one else in my family (we don’t want to tell extended family until after our next appointment with the OB) We also told J’s parents, grandmother, and one sister, and had planned on telling his other two siblings during our visit.
We get to J’s grandmother’s house on Saturday, where everyone was gathering. We were excited to be able to tell his other brother and sister. But, when they arrived, they both knew already! His Grandmother decided to share our news for us, and also thought it OK to tell some of his aunts, uncles, and cousins. Can you believe that! I was fuming!
They all proceeded to bombard us with questions which we felt really uncomfortable answering. So I did my best to give one word answers and try to change the subject. They even asked if we had names picked out yet! Names!! We haven’t even gotten to the point in this pregnancy of when our last loss occurred. Why in the world would we be picking out names now?!
To top it off, the town we are from is not that big in size. One of my cousin’s sons is friends with J’s sister’s son and we found out on Monday (after arriving home) that she decided to tell him when he was at her house the other day. So, now there are people in my family who also know our news already. And I was wondering why they were interrogating me about my “stomach bug” over the weekend.

When J called his grandmother to ask her why she told other people, her reply was, “well you’ve got to tell other people sometime.” Arrgh!!! It is really hard not to be angry with this woman. I understand she is in her 90’s and maybe doesn’t fully understand what she has done, but still, some respect for our news and our privacy would have been nice.

So that’s that. I am a little bit frustrated at this point but I guess there is nothing I can do. What’s done is done. Lesson learned though – we will not share any additional secrets with anyone in his family, ever.

On the p-word front. Today is 11w1d. I am really getting close to the time when we lost our last baby and am starting to have lots more anxiety and worry this past week, even more so than what I’ve normally been feeling. Hopefully, I can keep getting through this one day at a time. Symptoms still the same, although the nausea seems to be not so constant every day, but now the constipation is starting to come on full force. Can not wait until our next appointment. Seems like March 12^th is a lifetime away.

Thump, Thump, Thump, Thump...

2008-02-12T06:12:00.000-05:00

That's the sound of the heartbeat I heard with the doppler yesterday at the OB appointment. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. Of course I started crying immediately. When she took out that doppler I was so afraid of a repeat of what happened last time, when I heard that sound it was such a huge relief!! Dr. C didn't look for the second heartbeat. She told me that with the doppler and with multiples it's too hard to distinguish if you're hearing a different one. Anyone know if that's really true or if she was just in a rush or something to get to her next patient?
Anyway, the appointment went well. Everything seems to be OK. They took 8 vials of blood and I was surprised I could even walk out of the door after all that blood loss. I will have an ultrasound every four weeks because of the twins, which I am thrilled about because the more looks inside the better. And, we decided against any screening tests. So next appointment is not until 4 weeks from now. Ugh! March 12th. I hope I can make it.
Start weaning off of the progesterone today - down to one suppository instead of two for the next week. That makes me nervous but RE said it's time.

Sex, Lies, and Videotapes

2008-02-08T16:39:00.000-05:00

At least one of those things is going on around here.
Have you ever felt like you are living a big lie? Like you are constantly hiding something from someone and if you're not careful about your story and what you tell to whom, you may end up caught? That is how I feel lately.
We still have not told anyone other than our immediate family, and don't have any plans to in the near future. So every day, I drag myself to work, and try to pretend that I am not feeling like complete crap. I look awful, I don't even have the energy to put on make-up so these people I work with must think something is up. I work with ALL women. Every one of them, except for a few in same-sex relationships, have children. These women can smell a pregnancy. But I continue to say I must have a stomach bug, or didn't sleep well, or excuse, excuse, excuse. I wonder if they suspect? They would certainly never ask (I don't think) after what I've been through.
I've had some phone conversations with family and they've asked about how our baby plans are coming along. (Rude I know but people ask this. Although I have never heard someone ask a couple when they last time they had sex was? But I guess by sharing our IF struggles they feel it's OK to ask) I have to lie to them. I am not a good liar - I wonder if they know? I just try to say that things are coming along and quickly try to change the subject. The one good thing about them is that I live a few hours away and don't see them on a regular basis, so they only hear my phone voice.
Also, had a job interview yesterday for a job I applied for back in September. Felt very decpetive then too. Obviously I didn't mention pregnancy or leave or anything like that but they said it may be another month or so before they make a decision. So what would I do then? I guess I cross that bridge when I get to it.
I don't like being deceptive but I really want to keep this a secret for a while longer. I hope I can keep my poker face on.

My first OB appointment is Monday afternoon. Only a few more days. I'm going to ask if they'll do an u/s either that day or if I can come in around the day things went bad last time for one. It would really help to ease my mind, just a tiny bit. I 've already prepared my list of questions and I'm sure Dr. C may feel like I am a paranoid person, but I don't care. I refuse to let my guard down this time. I feel like that is partly why things may have gone wrong before. I am just hoping and praying that everything goes OK on Monday.

Wow, I am Lazy!

2008-01-29T12:18:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am a slacker. I just got my Jane Austin questions posted and still have to get around to everyone's blogs to read their responses. I know I've said it before, but the complete exhaustion has really got to me. It's all I can do to drag myself to work, drag myself home, and plop onto my sofa for the night. I think I am becoming a part of the sofa itself, if that's possible. Thank goodness that J is so good at cleaning and cooking. I don't know what I'd do without him.

My goal is to get to around to everyone sometime over the rest of this week.

Not much else happening right now. We did tell our immediately family - parents, siblings, grandparents. No one else yet. Still just getting through each day as it comes, praying and hoping that it will be another healthy day. One.day.at.a.time

Jane Austin Book Club Tour

2008-01-29T06:53:00.000-05:00

On page 5 of my edition, at the end of the Prologue, the narrator says: "The six of us -- Jocelyn, Bernadette, Sylvia, Allegra, Prudie, and Grigg -- made up the full roster of the Central Valley/River City all-Jane-Austen-all-the-time book club." Each of the six is featured in the book, and voices intimate thoughts & memories, yet throughout, the narrator maintains the voice of "we." Which of the characters is the narrator telling the story/writing the book? And if you don't know or have an opinion, which character would be the most likely narrator & why?

I'm not sure who the narrator of the book is but if I had to offer a guess my choice would be Jocelyn. She struck me as being the one who would most likely lead a group. When the author explained the story of her and Sylvia's youth she seemed to be the one who was the stronger personality of the two and this was depicted several times throughout the book.

Corinne stole Allegra's stories and passed them off as her own. Yet despite this deep betrayal of trust Allegra went back to her. Why do you think that is? Has anyone ever betrayed your trust and how did you handle it?

I think she went back to her because of love. Having your trust betrayed is something that can be terribly hurtful, and yes I can think of a few people who have done so to me. Whether it be a simple teenage love issue, which didn't seem so simple at the time to someone telling others a secret I asked that they keep, there are a lot of times when other people have betray trust. I think handling it depends on the situation itself, your ability to forgive someone for wrongdoings, and whether you can understand why the betrayal occurred. Was it spiteful, or was it simply someone who wasn't thinking of the consequences of their actions? Most of the people who have done something to betray trust with me, I have been able to forgive. At times it takes longer, and I'm not sure that the same level of trust ever exists again, but I do try to remember the humanness of us all.

When Corinne stole Allegra's stories, she both lied by omission as well as stole pieces of Allegra. Do you believe Allegra was more upset about the lie or the fact that someone stole her stories?

I think Allegra was more upset by the fact that her stories were stolen than by the lie itself. Lies happen, sometimes to protect , people's feelings, sometimes just small little white lies that I'm sure everyone is guilty of, but for someone to try to pass off stories from your life as their own seems to me the bigger betrayal.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Jane Austen Book Club? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #10 (Embryo Culture by Beth Kohl with author participation!) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

Looks Like Raccoon Eyes

2008-01-23T16:23:00.000-05:00

That's what Dr. RE said today when he inserted dildo-cam and saw...
2 beautiful sacs - 2 amazing babies with 2 beautiful heartbeats.

Wow.
One more hurdle down. Next appointment is with Dr. OB and not until February 11th.

Babies - you keep doing what you're supposed to do in there.

Long time, no post

2008-01-21T15:09:00.000-05:00

Wow, I can't believe that again it's been almost a week since I last posted. Just trying to keep my food down, sleeping, and worrying takes up the majority of my time.
**I'm going to talk about my p-word symptoms now so if you'd rather not read, skip this section**
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I've started to have more symptoms but they still can come and go pretty often. I have a near-constant nauseous feeling and I have to eat something every 2 hours. If I go longer than that without food, I start feeling really sick. I also have heartburn, which I never get normally, and I've been burping like a man. Oh, and tomato sauce (the thought of it), which I normally love (pasta, pizza, anything with it) turns my stomach. I've been eating a lot of plain noodles and butter, crackers and cereal. When I can muster up the energy to take a walk it does help me to feel better but those days are few and far between. Most days I just want to go back to bed by noon, and my new bedtime is around 8pm.
I am not complaining at all. These things are helping to ease my mind slightly. Not much, because I was sick last time too, but at least for now I think (and hope) things are OK.
What eases my mind a bit more than sickness is 1. that I've increased my thyroid medicine dose, and my PCP and I are staying on top of it this time. I'm having bloodwork on my thyroid done every two weeks during the first tri. Just need to make sure the levels stay where they are supposed to, and 2. that I've gotten past the point at which last time my spotting started (and continued nearly on a daily basis). I'm hoping that's a good thing. I still check the toilet paper every time I use the bathroom and probably will always. It's good though to have NOT seen that happening this time yet.
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My appointment with the RE is Wednesday at 11am. J and I are excited and scared and just can't wait for it to be over. We just hope that everything is going the way it's supposed to in there. After that I'll have to make an OB appointment but I don't want to do that until after Wednesday.

Silence

2008-01-15T17:22:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I've thought about posting a lot this past week but haven;t been able to put the words together. I don;t know what to say except that this is all so strange to me. It's like being the p-word is only real inside the confines of my own four walls. Once outside the safety of my home, it's not real, it's not spoken about, and I do my best not to think about it. If I don't think about it, maybe nothing bad will happen. I know; it's crazy. But like I was telling J this morning, I feel like I am constantly waiting for someone to tell me bad news. Every day I wake up and pray, wish and hope that everything will keep going well for another day. Then every night I cross another day off of the calendar and think that I am one more day closer to this being real. I can't think farther than that - it's too scary.
My appointment with the RE is next week. Then I'll be released to my OB. Haven't even called to make an appointment yet. That's much to far away from now. Plus I'm afraid that if I say this out loud it will come to an end.
So, for now you all are my only outlet for fear,, venting, and worry. Hope I don't make you all crazy along with me.

Whew...

2008-01-07T17:44:00.001-05:00

Third beta today was 2889. That is a huge jump. No more betas, thank goodness. Now I just have to wait for the first scan - scheduled for January 23rd. One tiny step closer.
I did find out today too that my thyroid levels have gone up again, which the nurse explained happens during pregnancy. Now I'm working on convincing my primary doctor, who monitors my thyroid condition, to increase my dose, even though it still falls within a "technically" normal range. I have an appointment with her on Thursday to plead my case. I am envisioning myself having a meltdown right in front of her. You see, while I will never know for sure, my heart believes that the reason I lost my last baby was because of an underactive thyroid, and the fact that no one checked it my entire first trimester. I just can't let that happen again and will do whatever I need to to keep my thyroid at a level that I feel comfortable with, not what the lab ranges dictate.
January 23rd is a long way away. I've been trying to focus only on each day, instead of looking at all into the future. That has seemed to help me some. Plus J has been great at helping to calm me down when I start freaking out.

Thank you to all of you for sharing in my secret. We have decided not to tell a soul until, oh I don't know, there is actually a baby or it becomes so obvious that people start whispering behind my back. So, it is comforting to be able to share this with you all.

Secrets

2008-01-04T14:33:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to post this quite yet because of my history. You know what I mean if you've followed my story. But I decided this afternoon that there's no sense in keeping it THAT quiet. I am still whispering though so only you can hear me. I know that you all can keep a secret right?

Decided to POAS on Monday so as to not worry about my drinking on New Year's Eve.
EPT Early Detection came up with a + almost as soon as I set it down on the counter. I had J look at it too. All we both could say was "hmm..."
1st Beta was Wednesday at 2:30pm - 284
2nd Beta was today at 10:00am - 612 (doubling time of 1.8 days)
3rd Beta on Monday...

Oh. my. God. Oh. my. God.
I'm scared and excited at the same time. I have to try to figure out a way to get through each day without losing my sanity.

Please baby hold on tight and don't let go...

Happy New Year

2007-12-31T12:51:00.000-05:00

Spending a quiet day at home - just J and I. We're going out for dinner tonight to a place that serves Northern Italian food. Yum! As I always do whenever possible, I've checked out the online menu to try to decide what to have before I get there. I am terrible at making food decisions - as I love nearly everything. So my choices are an ahi tuna with risotto, or a pasta with artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, and asiago cheese.
After dinner we plan to just come back home play some games, maybe watch TV a little, and then we'll walk down to where they drop the ball. I live in a small town but we do have our own faux Times Square celebration. It's kind of funny. Nearly everyone in the village gathers, the ball drops, and everyone leaves immediately.
I did submit my wish for 2008 to the real Times Square visitor center. Not sure if you know but if you submit your wish they will write it on a piece of confetti that will be dropped over the street at Midnight. We all know what I wished for but I won't tell so as to not jinx it or anything. I will say though that this time I was much more specific.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year. Hope that 2008 brings you peace and some happiness.

Everything I Ever Needed to Know...

2007-12-28T16:20:00.000-05:00

I was cleaning out a closet today (have to do something to occupy my time during the 2ww) and came across some old books. One book in particular got me thinking. Mr. Folgh.am may have learned a lot in kindergarten but I learned a lot more from being infertile.

Everything I ever needed to know I learned from being infertile.
Share everything. It doesn’t matter how modest you are when you begin the infertility journey, I promise you by the end you will not be. You will have shared everything about yourself; with your spouse, possibly family and friends, your RE, and also most likely the entire staff of your RE’s office. People will know how long your cycles are, whether they are regular or not, your ovulation days, what color underwear you usually wear, how you choose to groom your area, and how a tiny pill called Clomid can make you morph into a different person.

Play Fair. Yeah right, all may be fair in love and war, but NOT in infertility. Sometimes it will seem like everyone you know in the world who tries to get pregnant does so on their first attempt. That is not fair.

Don’t hit people. As tempting as it may be to slug the person who tells you to relax and it’ll happen, or who says that they get pregnant just looking at their husband, it really would be better if you can practice some self-control. Otherwise you may end up arrested for assault.

Put things back where you found them. You can return used sharps containers to your RE’s office. Try to remember to do that at follow-up appointments. Otherwise you will end up like me, with mounds of soda bottles filled with used needles in the back of my closet. People would think I had a terrible drug habit if someone ever found them. I can never remember to bring them with me to return them.

Clean up your own mess. Invest in panty liners if your RE tells you that you will be using progesterone suppositories. Messy can not begin to describe them. Wish someone had told me that the first time I used them.

Don’t take things that aren’t yours. This includes magazines and pens from your RE’s waiting room and the condoms your RE uses over the dildo-cam. Doesn’t matter how many of your friends who are not ttc may need those condoms, they will just have to go to the local drugstore for their supply.

Say you’re sorry if you hurt someone. This one is for the people giving you those IM injections. If you happen to hit the nerve it will cause unimaginable pain. Be careful. Oh, and jab quickly, don’t put the needle in slowly. Those bruises will eventually go away too.

Be aware of wonder. I find it pretty amazing how the human race continues to go on - knowing how hard it is to actually get pregnant. All of the complex steps that have to occur. Fascinating.

Take a nap every day. You will need to with all of the early monitoring appointments you’ll have.

Live a balanced life. You can try this if you are in the beginning of your journey but it gets more difficult the longer you have been ttc. Infertility does not really allow for a balanced life - it has a way of taking over your life.

Wash you hands before you eat. I think this one is more intended for your RE and the clinic staff.

Flush. What you do with your money when cycle after cycle after cycle (after cycle) doesn’t work.

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. So are martini’s and red wine when you get a BFN.

When you go out into the world, hold hands and stick together. It helps to know that you are not alone. There are a lot of couples facing infertility. Share your struggle with others if you can, even if it’s only with your lineal friends. If you are one of the people who has reached the other side, and achieved bringing home a baby, try to remember what it was like when you were going through your own struggle. Try to be a friend to those who are still struggling. If you are still struggling, know that you are normal if you feel some resentment and jealousy toward people who are pregnant or who have children, even if they themselves have struggled with infertility in the past.

Goldfish and hamsters and mice and the seed in the plastic cup - they all die. So do we. Hmmm…I wish I had remembered this one more. Miscarriage rates are staggering (in my opinion) yet no one talks about them. My advice: be informed about them, do what you can to prevent them, but also know that most times you can’t prevent them. If you are faced with one, I am sorry. Try to find support somewhere, you don’t have to go through that alone.

Learn, think, draw, paint, sing, dance, play, and work a little every day. Try not to let infertility take over your life. Not good advice from someone who has let it take over. But don’t become like me. I am not good at this but I do know that someday the infertility journey will be over, whether that be by bringing home a baby, adopting, or eventually getting to the point of living childfree. Try to keep other things in your life that are important so that you don’t get to the future and realize a good portion of your life was spent focused on infertility and nothing else.

Christmas Traditions

2007-12-27T16:43:00.000-05:00

Finally J and I have returned from our Christmas trip to visit the family. Good to be home.
It’s strange how traditions change as family dynamics do. I used to love going to my Aunt and Uncle’s house for Christmas eve when I was a kid. My Mom would buy my sister and I these new dresses every year for Christmas. During the day she’d put our hair in curlers so it would be curly and we usually had new hair ribbons to match the new dresses, and I can almost still smell the scent of her perfume and my dad’s after-shave as we all got dressed to go to dinner. Dinner was always the same - and actually this is one part of Christmas that hasn’t changed for my family. We always have fish. Always. Terrible as a kid, but I do like it now. After dinner everyone would gather around the tree and sing Christmas carols and then Santa would show up and pass out gifts. We stayed there until around midnight when we would then head over to Midnight Mass at Church. That was always so magical for me, the statues at the alter and the singing, and the candles, and I think most times I’d fall asleep right there in the pew. After my Aunt and Uncle were no longer able to have the big dinner at their house, our family tradition was altered a little and it was at my Mom’s house. Still the same food, still lots of gift giving around the tree, still church going. Different in some ways, and after a few years we acclimated ourselves to our new tradition. Within the past two years our Christmas has changed again - a lot of the people in our family are no longer here, including my Mom. We now have dinner at a cousin’s house, and while the menu is the same, it definitely feels different. We still sat around the tree and exchanged gifts but the older folks talking, playing cards, laughing, and the kids playing and awaiting Santa, well those things don’t happen anymore. I suppose it will take some time to acclimate ourselves again to this new tradition. I guess new traditions aren’t necessarily bad things, it just takes some getting used to, and some time for them to become traditions.

I thought I would lose my mind without my near-daily dose of blog reading. Now I have a lot of catching up to do. Hope that you all had nice holidays - whatever holidays you and your families celebrate.

What the World needs now is Love, Sweet Love

2007-12-20T17:25:00.001-05:00

In our world today everyone seems to be in such a rush. As I sit at the store cafe looking around I notice everyone hurrying through the store buying their last minute holiday gifts, eating lunch fast to get back to work, talking on their cell phones, and working on their wireless laptops. (Just a FYI: I haven’t even started by shopping yet. I’ve got 4 days to buy, wrap, and pack everything I need for our Christmas visit with the family). And the holidays just exasperate the pace at which we live. Add one more thing to our already too long list of things to do, and it’s enough to push many of us over the edge. Our world seems to move at such a fast pace that I think we sometimes forget to stop and think about other people. Slowing down and stopping to actually think about other people may be just what we all need. It couldn’t hurt.
One lesson that my infertility and pregnancy loss have taught me is how important compassion, empathy, and kindness are to other people. How one small kind word or gesture could be something that changes someone’s day. And how the opposite is also true. How not thinking carefully about what you’re saying, and to whom, could hurt as much as an actual wound.
I’ve said it before and probably will again – even though I now try my best to think carefully about what I’m saying and also about other people’s feelings I know that I probably won’t get that back in return. At least not from the fertile population. I apologize if you are part of that fertile community and you think differently of yourself. Just speaking from my own experience. From all of you though, in blog world, I do – your kind comments here help me more than I can say. Thank you for that.

Where was I headed with this? Oh yeah, I don’t think that people take other people’s feelings, situations, etc into consideration enough. With the holidays upon us I have pondered about my Grandmother and maybe the reason she doesn’t seem into the holiday spirit this year is because she’s lost two of her children in the past year (the rest of family says she’s just getting ornery with age), about my co-worker who passed away this year, and how her family is doing this first holiday season without her, and about our friends who have a new baby this year and how excited they must be to celebrate this year. I wonder though how many people will stop to remember that J and I were supposed to be buying a baby’s first Christmas ornament and playing Santa for the first time this year.
Even though the rest of the world won’t remember my baby – he didn’t live outside of me so no one else has any memories of him, and as far as the rest of society is concerned I am surely “over it’ by now – I decided that I wanted to do something to remember him by for Christmas.

I decided a few weeks ago that I would pick a name off of the Angel Tree at the mall. I chose a child who would be about the same age as my baby would have been. In the past few weeks I have thought a lot about the tag I picked off of that tree. Many times I thought about bringing it back and placing it back on the tree. This was going to be too hard for me to do – I haven’t stepped foot in a baby section of a store since before our loss. But I didn’t – I started thinking about that baby who may not have any presents for his first Christmas and I knew I had to go shopping.
I did go shopping for those gifts for that little boy today. I won’t tell you that it was easy. It took me a long time to pick things out because there was lots of time I had to stand there and collect myself, to keep the tears from coming. But I did it, and after I was done shopping and dropping off those gifts to the charity collecting them, I felt good. I felt like I had done something to help honor the memory I have of my baby.
Am I still sad that I’ll be celebrating Christmas without my baby? Yes. Will I always feel sadness for the baby I never got to know? Absolutely. But if I can do things to honor the memory I have of him, maybe I can feel a bit closer to him. Maybe my own little angel will be proud that I would have been his Mommy.

To all of you, I hope that you can all find some happiness and peace that comes with holidays, in whatever way is best for you. I know it is often so hard to do. Also, remember that even if no one in your real life remembers that you may be dealing with a life-altering crisis right now, or feeling the hurt of losses (whether they be the loss of dreams or the loss of lives) I will remember and I’ll be thinking of you.

You'll shoot your eye out

2007-12-17T18:05:00.000-05:00

Oh wait, this isn't a Red Rider BB gun. I'm not using that kind of trigger shot.
Had my fourth date with Dr. RE this morning and I've got three beautifully sized follies - one at 17.9, one at 18.2, and one at 18.7. I was hoping for a better response than just the two I got last month. Three is good. Plus I've got them on both sides this month so I'm happy about that.
I am already starting to surge on my own so I am triggering tonight and IUI will be tomorrow.

Oh, I hope this is it.

My Ramblings

2007-12-14T07:31:00.001-05:00

Wow, I can’t believe that it has been so long since I last posted updates on things. I have so much to talk about today.
Gettin’ Healthy – First, I think I did pretty damn good on the challenge that dmarie started. My goals for the month were to increase how much seafood I eat a week, to floss every day, and to exercise 3 times per week. For the entire 30 day challenge I ate fish twice a week, plus began taking fish oil supplements every day. My acupuncturist had recommended them to me, and although I can’t find any information on whether they are a good substitute for the actual fish, I think they are close. Score 1 for me! On the flossing I did really great – flossing every day of the month. I still have to consciously think about doing this every day, it hasn’t really become a habit for me yet, but I’m getting there. And, hopefully according to that RealAge thing this is making my real age younger. The exercise part, I did ok. I never really did the three days a week, it was always one or two. I could have done a lot better. But as Meatloaf used to say, “two outta three ain't bad.” Right?
So I’m planning on continuing on for phase two of this getting healthy thing. Month #2 will begin tomorrow for me and my goals for this month are to continue what I have been doing but also to add:
· Really, truly exercising the three times a week
· Eating at least 3 different colored fruits or vegetables a day
We’ll see how this month goes.

The worry I felt about the meeting where everyone was going to introduce themselves to a new staff person was for naught. I ended up having an appointment with Dr. RE that morning so I was able to bypass the introductions. I have never been so happy to have a date with the dildo-cam as I was that morning. One more obstacle today at a staff meeting where there are going to be 3-4 announcements of new babies, plus the possible gift-giving for extremely pregnant co-worker. I hope I don't lose it. J told me to start daydreaming about other things and try to ignore everything. Just look on the outside like I am actually listening. I'm going to try it. Then I can breathe easy for a few weeks without the threat of anymore additional announcements for a while, I think.
On the IF front, today is CD10. Been on the Gonal for a week of so now and have another date with Dr. RE tomorrow morning. We increased my dose from last month and made one other small tweek to the protocol so I am keeping fingers crossed that I’ll have some decent looking follies this month. Last month I had two so I’m hoping for 3-4 this time. Obviously, I need all the extra chances I can get. Do I think it may work? Am I hopeful? I don’t know. The swinging pendulum of hope changes pretty frequently for me. We are only doing a few more of these so it either has to work or we may be out of options. That scares me so I’ve been trying not to think ahead too much. I’m trying my best to focus only on today. Today I am growing some good follies.

The Handmaid's Tale

2007-12-12T17:46:00.000-05:00

The Handmaid's Tale was quite an interesting book to read. At times it was a difficult read for me, as it jumped around a lot and I found it hard to keep my concentration on the story. In the end I enjoyed the story overall and found it pretty fascinating how a society could change so drastically without the people revolting against it. Scary.

Even though the rampant infertility is acknowledged to be largely due to environmental pollution, Gilead refuses to acknowledge the possibility of male infertility; if a Handmaid is unable to conceive with three Commanders, it is assumed that she is at fault and she is reassigned to the Colonies. How did this double standard resonate with you, if at all?
This really bothered me both in the book and the fact that in our society the majority of people assume that if a couple is having trouble conceiving that it is a problem with the female. It's always, "oh she can't get pregnant". My RE's office is in the Women's Health wing of a medical university, perpetuating this belief. What bothers me the most about infertility being seen as primarily a women's health issue is that it is because of this fact that I believe it is largely ignored by society, and insurance companies. If, in our mostly male dominated society, infertility was seen as also being a men's health issue it would probably receive more research dollars, and I personally think it would be more widely covered by insurance companies.

In one scene (it's after midnight and we all have different editions, but you know the one I mean without a page number, right?) Offred observes a funeral procession for a miscarried pregnancy. Comment on the inclusion of this type of ritual in the daily life of the community.
I think that this ritual was included in the community because of the importance they placed on pregnancies, and also to use as another way to remind the Handmaid's what happens to them if they aren't able to conceive a child for the Commanders and the Wives. Having been through miscarriage, I wished when reading the book, that our society placed a bit more importance on pregnancies, just not in the exact same way as the book. Pregnancies in our society are viewed as replaceable, expendable, etc. How many people say that you can just try again after you lose a baby? Like our pregnancies and children can be replaced by new ones. Maybe if our society viewed them with more significance then women suffering miscarriage would find more emotional support.

For all that the Handmaids are supposed to be serving the society's greater good and should be honored for that, they are looked down upon by just about everyone. Wives resent that the Handmaids do what they cannot, Marthas resent the time spent caring for them, Econowives resent them for the ease of existence they feel the Handmaids must enjoy. And the reverse is true as well, Handmaids resent the other women for having little freedoms they do not enjoy, whether it's control over a household, the ability to hold a knife and make radish roses, or to simply not be a possession without a name. Does this mutual resentment exist in the world of infertility? Do "fertiles" resent "infertiles" and vice versa? If so, in what way?
At first when I read this question I thought No Way! Why in the world would a fertile person resent me. What part of my life are they envious of? The frequent doctor visits, the invasive procedures, the emotional pain of losing my baby? But then I really started to think more about it and I do think that mutual resentment exists. I definitely resent fertile people, some much more than others, for the ease at which they achieved their dreams, for their naive joyful views of pregnancy, for the granted they sometimes take their families for. I think there are also some people who are fertile who resent me for not being able to have had children yet. Some people have commented on how they would love a day to just relax with their husbands, or a date night out with them, or being able to read a book. And, I think that some of these people are actually quite sincere in that they do wish that we could trade places even if only for a day.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Fowler (with author participation!)

Letters to Santa

2007-12-03T06:51:00.000-05:00

The excitement and joy a child feels when writing a letter to Santa is one of the most fun parts of Christmas. I remember how magical it all seemed. Writing what I most wished for, having my Mom help address that envelope, and then she took it to mail it off. Waiting for Christmas morning wondering if what I asked for in my letter would really be there. I wish I could do that with my own children. Looking through the holiday catalogs from Sear's, JCPenney, Macy's and picking out our choices as a bedtime ritual. Writing the letter while we drink hot chocolate together. Seeing the amazed, sparkling eyes on Christmas morning when the things asked for are really actually under the tree.
People have started asking me what J and I want for Christmas this year. I'm at a loss for what to tell them. Sure the normal everyday gift cards to restaurants, movies, and all the other things people who don't have children can do at a moment's notice would be fine. They would definitely get used. Gift cards to home improvement stores would work too - we have lots of work to do on our house. Clothes, CD's, DVD's, wine, whatever. The problem is none of these things is anything I really care about. It'd be nice to have all those things, but what I really want... well, this explains it perfectly right here.
I've asked for it so many times before. Still haven't received it. I don't think my family or friends will be giving it to me. I'm sure it won't be under the tree on Christmas morning.

But please, please, please let Santa hear me this time.

The Million Dollar Question

2007-11-29T17:37:00.000-05:00

I think that the most difficult thing to face (aside from losing my baby) as I walk my way down this road is the dreaded, “So, do you have any children?” question from people. One thing I have learned from my infertility journey is about the level of personal questions one should ask a stranger. Let’s face it if you’re asking me if I have children, then we’re pretty much strangers. The people who know me well, know I do not have any children, know about my IF journey, and know about my loss.
That question, of all things that we have to face everyday, is the worst. The conversations about children and pregnancies can be drown out by focusing attention elsewhere, or using the suggestion I found on Pamela Jeanne’s blog. (post from 9/10/2007) Thanks, by the way, for that wonderful idea! The pregnant bellies, I can choose to only look the person in the eye and not allow my eyes to move downward toward the belly. Seeing babies or hearing them cry, I can look the other way or run away as fast as I can. But the question is inescapable. It is asked directly to you, most of the time with other people around.
Our society defines people by the number of children they have. I don’t know why after explaining to someone I’m meeting for the first time about myself, my hobbies, and my interests, they still feel the need to ask about children. Is that the only thing that matters? Isn’t who I am just as important, even without children? I suppose people are just looking for some commonality and most people my age do have children who consume a big portion of their lives. So that’s what they ask about. That’s what they talk about. But I think the world could use a little etiquette lesson.
I’ve been asked the question lots of times and still have not learned how to answer. I haven’t learned how to hide my humiliation or hurt when it’s asked and I’m stammering. I haven’t learned whether or not I want to share with these strangers that I do have a child, he just was never born, he’s just not living. Most of the time, I simply answer no and try to move on as quickly as possible. But it doesn’t always feel right to do that. At times, I feel like if I don’t speak up, and help people to realize how uncomfortable it makes people to have to go around a room full of people and tell how many kids you have then nothing will ever change. I won’t be doing anything to reach my goal of working to educate people about the emotional toll infertility takes.
Sometimes, I can anticipate the question being asked and those are the times when I feel like I should be more open. Now the dilemma occurs when I try to decide which approach I should take for this game. Should I try to be the first one to introduce myself and set the tone by talking about my hobbies, and my interests and not making any reference to children or families? The question could still be asked. Or should I let the other person (or everyone else in the group if that is the case) give their bios and when it’s my turn say, “Hi, I’m L. I don’t have any living children. I do have a cat who I treat like my baby, he often sleeps right between my husband and I, we love him dearly, would you like to see pictures? Oh, and I spend my free time cycling (fertility treatments, not bikes), reading books and blogs about infertility and pregnancy loss and trying to advocate for insurance coverage for all infertility treatments.” Seems snarky, but why is it ok for the infertile person in a group to be made to feel uncomfortable and not ok for others to feel that way?
There has got to be a happy medium between not saying anything and my (maybe) overly dramatic remark. Where do I find the middle ground?

I will bet my house that I will be in this situation next week at a work staff meeting. We have a new employee starting and the meeting is her first day on the job. I’ll be pondering this topic until then. (**suggestions appreciated**)
And, I’ll have the added benefit of being under the influence of Gonal-f at that point so who knows what will happen! Could get crazy! Fun times, fun times.

Today was NOT funny

2007-11-27T19:28:00.000-05:00

If I had to hear the story of M's new son's birth one more time today at work, I think I would have put a gun to my head. Ugh. I tried like hell to avoid it, running to the bathroom, water cooler, copy machine, etc. each time someone else came by and asked if the baby had been born yet, how much he weighed, what the labor was like, blah, blah, blah. But there was no escaping it. Then T, pregnant co-worker #1, is having a conversation with someone about how she has the baby's room decorated. Arh!! 4:30pm could not have come fast enough and when I left the office today I could feel the tension leaving my body.
It's over now though and K is out for the rest of the week. She'll be back on Monday with pictures and stories I'm sure. I feel like I've just got to find something to do outside of the office on Monday AM. But that will probably just be prolonging it because eventually I have to see her - and she'll ask if I want to look at the pictures. And, I don't know what to say. I don't do well with newborn pictures. Little kids, fine, but not babies. Just another thing for me to stress about for the next 5 days.

So much for trying to laugh - I did not find much humor in today.

Finding the Humor

2007-11-26T17:35:00.000-05:00

I have come to the realization that the fertile population is completely and utterly oblivious to what people living in the IF/Pregnancy loss world are feeling. It is like we are living in some sort of parallel universe – each existing side by side, but never really in the same place. Maybe more like living with a constant two-way mirror. As an IF’er I can see through but the fertiles can not see me. I can be empathetic to their sorrows and pains but I don’t feel the same in return. For a long time now this has made me angry, furious even. Many a time I have wanted to reply to their comments or conversations with mean, hurtful remarks, to help them understand how they make me feel so often. I was however raised not to be mean and hurtful to another person, so I do my best not to be.
I noticed today though that it is becoming something other than anger for me now, something almost comical. I am no longer amazed by how ignorant our world can be. I have become desensitized to the ignorance. Like a child watching too many violent movies and not viewing violence as something out of the ordinary, so too I am now. After numerous hurtful comments I no longer feel shocked by things that people can say or do.
I received an email from a well meaning relative the other day asking where we were in our trying to conceive journey, and whether we’ve made any further decisions about what steps we’re going to take. By steps she means whether we’re any closer to deciding on moving toward adoption rather than continuing fertility treatments. She doesn’t really believe in fertility treatments, because of her religious beliefs. She won’t say it directly but it’s clear if you know her. Plus her son and daughter in law adopted from Kazakhstan a few years ago (after two failed IVF attempts). The thing is J and I have researched adoption and it just is not going to be do-able for us. We simply do not have the financial means to do it. Of course we could adopt from the foster care system but that is not something we want to do. I admire people who do, but it is just not us. Selfish? Maybe. But I want an infant, and that is nearly impossible through the foster care system, as we learned at our one and only adoption seminar. What this relative doesn’t understand is that we have used all of our financial resources on treatment, we don’t have any more and probably would not qualify for loans, and also we don’t have the liberty to take off of work for 4-7 weeks for travel to complete an adoption. At one point we thought maybe we could swing the cost of a China adoption but with the new net worth requirements we’re no longer in the running for that. Now I know she means well, and is genuinely interested and prays for us all the time. But I don’t know how to respond to the questions from people anymore. Everyone around us sees us banging our head against the figurative wall. I think they must think we are crazy to continue on each month. But J and I feel at this point it’s our only choice - it’s better than nothing. It’s made me laugh at what other people must think of us.
Another thing that made me chuckle today was when I arrived at work and found out that my co-worker K’s daughter had gone into labor. She’s expecting her 2nd child - she’s 19 and now has two children by her past two boyfriends. Apparently both “accidents”. She lives at home with her parents too. Now, my feelings on how we might need some better sex education in schools today is another story but I certainly don’t want to hear about her labor details. How my other co-workers could think I’d be interested in that after what we’ve been through is beyond me. I walked into the lunch room to get some coffee and was told, among other things, that M is at the hospital, her water broke 3 weeks early, she just waiting now, nothing too much happening, not dilated fully yet, should be soon. Um…and you think I care why? The comical part is that people think that a year after losing a baby is enough time to get excited about pregnancy again. What they don’t realize is that each conversation like that makes me wonder how my pregnancy would have been had I made it that far, makes me think about how old my baby would have been today, makes me sad that J and I will spend another holiday without a child in our home, and makes me wonder why our fertility treatment cycles are not working.
I don’t really understand ignorance. I mean I understand that fertile people have never had to face the things I have so they couldn't possibly understand. What I don’t understand is how people, some of whom I’m close too, can not take the time to educate themselves on the subject, even if just as a way of better supporting their friend, family member, or co-worker. I probably never will understand it, so I will just continue to laugh and try to find the humor in it all.

Half-way to Healthy

2007-11-21T16:32:00.000-05:00

I’m now in week #2 of this Get Healthy Challenge and I must say I’m doing really good. I have to take some time to pat myself on the back for a minute or two.
OK, I’m done. Seriously though, usually I am the kind of person who forever beats themselves up for things that happen, things that don’t go my way, things I may not even have any control over. I guess my controlling personality gets the best of me and I somehow feel responsible for everything that happens to me – whether or not I’ve had any control over it. When my fertility treatments don’t work, I tell myself I should have been more positive, when I lost my baby I told myself that if I had just been more proactive in my care maybe it would not have happened, when things don’t go my way, I feel like I have just not tried hard enough or put enough effort into making things happen. This kind of thinking is terrible for someone facing infertility. I always feel inferior, not good enough, not deserving enough – to or for what I don’t exactly know. I somehow have to learn that not everything is under my control, not everything that happens is my fault or could have been prevented, or changed based on my actions. It’s a very difficult thing to do.
So when I chose my three things for the healthy challenge I chose things that would set me up for success instead of failure. Easy things – you may think so, but for me they are a challenge but still do-able. The second week ends on Sunday – here’s the low-down so far: Week #1 – ate my two servings of fish and took fish-oil supplements every day, flossed every day (Can’t believe this myself!), and exercised the three days. Week #2 – only have one more serving of fish to get in (plus took fish-oil nearly every day), have flossed daily this week so far, and exercised once so far.
The challenge has also helped my mental outlook too. Maybe it’s the fish I’m eating, or the fish oil supplements, or maybe it’s just doing something that I can feel good about, to feel like I’m re-gaining some control in my life, even if it’s just a tiny piece of my life. Thank you dmarie for starting the challenge. I’m so glad that I got involved. Almost half-way though now and I think I will continue on after the 30-days is up.

On the IF front:
I don’t know what cycle day it is, and I am trying not to care. If I keep track of my cycle days then there is always that little voice in my head telling me that J and I should have sex on a certain day, that there is always a chance (no matter how remotely impossible that would be). I can’t take that pressure anymore so I decided I will do my best not to keep track of what cycle day I am on, if I am not in the middle of cycling. Hard when I know my body signs for ovulating but doing my best.
We’ve decided to make that additional change in our IUI protocol next month so we’ll see how this goes. We’ve got a few more IUI's left to do before the insurance runs out and we’re at the end of the line for us.

Day 4 of Gettin Healthy

2007-11-15T06:32:00.000-05:00

The get healthy challenge is going really good. So far this week, I have had my two servings of fish for the week, and I have flossed every day! Whoo Hoo! Now I've got three days of fitness still to fit in this week but that will be today, tomorrow, and Saturday.
Not too much else happening here. On the fertility front we're just playing the waiting game again until we can do another IUI cycle. I'm hoping for next month but if the holiday expenses get too high then we'll have to wait until January. Ugh. I don't even like thinking about waiting that long.

On another note, I'm working on filling out J's new health insurance forms for next year. He's going to have bc.bs Illinois P.P.O plan. (We do not live in Illinois though) I have been trying to do some research into whether IVF is a covered benefit but can't seem to find any info. Any thoughts?

The Three F's

2007-11-12T07:27:00.000-05:00

OK, so I decided on choosing these three action steps for my get healthy challenge -
1. Eating at least two servings of fish a week to increase omega-3 fatty acid intake.
2. Floss teeth daily (I am terrible at this and it will definitely be a challenge to do this!)
3. Fitness -Cardiovascular/Strength Training 2x per week, Flexibility 1x per week

I'm excited about doing this! I really think I can stick to this plan for the next month. For the real age plan I'll need to follow these steps for three months, but the fitness one will increase in frequency in months 2 and 3.
I didn't choose stopping smoking as one because J is still smoking and I wanted to pick something I know I can be successful at. I've decided that I will cut back even more - to only smoking if I am out having a cocktail - which I only do about once a week. Then maybe I'll pick that as a step at the 3 month mark - when I review my real age.

Getting Healthy

2007-11-11T06:16:00.000-05:00

I am embarking on a 30-day (and beyond) get healthy challenge thanks to dmarie. I'm glad to see that there are a few other bloggers taking the challenge with us. It's always helpful to have someone to go through these things with; a little extra support.
I figured out my real age and it doesn't look good right now. It's not terribly bad - just 6.5 years older than my actual age but it really got me thinking. Obviously the BIG reason my real age is higher is because I am a smoker. Yes, I know it's terrible. And, I've always stopped completely after transfers and while I was pregnant. But for the rest of the time - when I'm stressed over stimming, follicle checks, blood work results, and the worry over how we will ever have a family, I enjoy my cigarettes. I only smoke about about 5 cigarette a day. Please don't tell me that that is the reason I have difficulty getting pregnant - because I don't believe that. There are plenty of people in the world who smoke and get pregnant easily.
My other big agers are being overweight and my stress level. I have gained about 50 pounds since J and I got married and started ttc. I know that I need to lose some weight - not a huge surprise to me. And my stress level, well, in the past year I have miscarried my baby, lost my mother to breast cancer, and pursued fertility treatments. Stressed? Who me?
The realage website gave me a detailed plan on how I can get healthy and lower my real age. It suggests choosing 1-3 action steps over the next three months that I can commit to doing every day. At the end of 3 months I am supposed to go back and re-take the test to see if my new lifestyle habits have lowered my real age.
I am starting this challenge tomorrow so I'll let you know which three action steps I pick as my new healthy habits. Maybe if I can get healthy and lower my real age then my crappy eggs will be younger too, and maybe the next IUI will work.

A guest blog entry, brought to you by the Great Blog Cross-Pollination

2007-11-08T18:59:00.000-05:00

This is a Guest Writer- Cross Pollination Day!!

So, a post on someone else's blog. To create a few more links and catapult us all to find some different people to visit. Sounded like such a good idea but the reality is quite scary!! I guess the problem is what to write about? In my own blog I just record my journey and feelings about such, for me. The fact that others drop by is such a bonus (and amazes me). Some company on the lonely road and some very sound advice.Rather than go into my story, for this one off post I think I'll just list some of the things I have learned about myself on this IF journey. I'd love to hear what others have learned about themselves too.

1. I HATE waiting. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting , waiting, waiting. Enough already.

2. I want to be one of these woman that is happy for pregnant friends etc. It's not that I'm unhappy, I just don't cope well. I accept that I can't but I wish I could.

3. I an over a stone heavier than I was before we started TTC a few years ago. I'm sure I've done nothing different. How does that work??

4. Even though I have little reason to believe I will spontaneously become pregnant and carry to full term, I still plan everything around the fact that I might be pregnant. And then beat myself up about missing opportunities.

5. I am now a lot more empathetic in all sorts of situations I wouldn't have thought twice about before. Strangely enough, however, I can also lack patience when people moan about stuff that I think is nothing. Not a nice trait. Who made me the score keeper on suffering?

6. I had great difficulty in accepting this could be happening to me. Funnily enough, once I managed to accept that it was, I started to cope much better.

7. I am now fairly blase about who I get my pants off for. In fact, just the other day, I was mentally noting the diversity of the people who have been there and I was kind of amazed!

8. I love the knowledge I now have of how my body works (apart from the getting and staying pregnant, of course) I can't believe that after a decade on the pill I had so little idea of what should be going on.

9. I love my husband way more deeply than I did before. He really is my rock.

10. I now care about the lives of such amazing woman all over the world. I cry at their sadness and worry about their situations. I am overjoyed when things go well for them and shake my fist at the universe when they don't. I am part of a virtual community that has taken away my isolation and helped me to cope with the most difficult times in my life. I would never have thought it possible. Never.And for this I really am grateful.

Thank you all for reading, and to Geohde for organising. I hope to catch up on loads of these swap posts.

So, can you guess who wrote it? Leave a comment with your guess and then check here to see if you're right and to find my post for the day.

Post-Halloween Witch

2007-11-08T06:18:00.000-05:00

Another big ol' BFN for me. AF started yesterday - 14dpiui. This is all so hard. J and I don't know what to do anymore. We thought that changing the IUI protocol would be our answer. But this was IUI#5 and nothing.
Each day I feel like I am getting closer and closer to having my fear of never being pregnant again become a reality and it scares the crap out of me. I don't think I have ever been more afraid of anything else. Why in the world would God finally answer my prayers for getting pregnant after 5 years, snatch it away after only a short time, and never let me feel that happy again?
I honestly don't know how I would live my life if we use up the remaining 7 IUI's that we have some insurance coverage for, they don't work, and that is the end of the road for us. I don't want to live child-free. We can't do IVF again (unless by some miracle we get some insurance coverage for it) and I know that soon Dr. RE is going to want to schedule a consult to discuss it again. We don't have money for adoption, and with J's medical issues I don't even know if we'd get through a homestudy. I just don't even know what to do at this point. I wish I had been more insistent last year when I asked DR. RE about getting put on the list for the donor embryo program. She said the wait was two-three years long and discouraged J and I from putting our names on it. Now here we are a year later and we could have been that much farther on the list. If next month's IUI doesn't work I want our names on that list!

We'll be taking this month off again. Even though the waiting between cycles causes me a lot of stress we thought a break would be good financially and mentally too. So at least I can look forward to a few big glasses of wine for the next 30 days.

My Story Project

2007-11-06T10:55:00.000-05:00

My husband J and I have been battling infertility for almost 6 years. In the beginning we guessed that there may be some difficulty in our conceiving a child but never imagined it would lead us to where we are today. Most people in the world do not understand how infertility can impact someone’s life – 87.5% of people conceive their children without difficulty, and go on to have uneventful pregnancies, without complications. But that leaves 12.5% of our population who do have to struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss. It is a struggle that you can not escape. It permeates every aspect of your life from your emotional health, to your physical health, to your financial health.
Infertility bombards you every single day. You have to constantly think about what cycle day you are on, take medication which wrecks havoc on your emotions, take time off from work for medical appointments, work your way through unknown diagnoses, treatments, and procedures all the while trying to navigate your way through a world which views couples without children as almost second-class citizens. We are told by people who could never possibly understand what we are going through that we should relax, stop trying, just adopt. We are questioned about our treatment decisions. We have to face a constant battle between hope and despair. And, after spending all of our money on treatments, we are often asked how we could possibly afford children anyway. We live in a constant state of heightened stress, sometimes extreme, often internalizing that stress, always trying to act like our struggle is not bothering us because people think it is a lifestyle choice. We are told that what has happened to us – our infertility, our pregnancy losses – are God’s will, they are a blessing, we are lucky not to have children. Imagine the struggle within oneself when your rational mind knows that you have a medical condition that is preventing you from having children, or carrying a pregnancy to term, and trying to quiet the demons in your emotional mind that tell you that maybe you are a bad person, maybe this is God’s punishment for you. Imagine having a disease and one day your doctor tells you that you have a great chance at recovering from it, and the next day you’re told you will never recover from it. Imagine that scenario every day for months, and even years. Imagine what this all must do to our overall health, physically and emotionally, now and in the future.

Our partial insurance coverage has allowed us to pursue treatments to some extent. We are thankful for that – some people don’t even have that. We have been able to use IUI as a treatment, even though our chance of success is rather slim. We were even able to pursue IVF treatment, because of a grant made possible by New York State. Still, without coverage for the most efficient treatment we basically gamble our money away each month pursuing treatment with a low chance at success, just because that is all our insurance company will cover.
In our quest to build our family, we have taken out numerous loans, as even co-pays for covered treatment each month, begin to add up eventually. Currently we have 4 outstanding loans we are paying on for previous treatments, as well as using our monthly income to fund current treatment cycles. We spend about 15% of our income each month on fertility treatments. That does not even include the times we have taken money out of our retirement accounts to pay for medical expenses. We have virtually no savings, which frightens me when I think of our future, and it also leaves us out of the running should we consider adoption.
Insurance companies should be mandated to provide coverage for all infertility treatment. Physicians and patients should be the ones deciding which treatment option makes the most sense. It would save money in the end – for the patients and for the insurance companies. People struggling with infertility should not be punished for having a disease, just because someone else views it differently. And, our government should make adoption more reachable for people. While there are adoption tax breaks from the government, people still have to find a way to come up with money that they often do not have, and then are reimbursed after the finalized adoption. What about having guaranteed adoption loans, similar to student loans, backed by the government? Sure I can apply for an adoption loan, or home equity line, to fund an adoption, but for a couple with little financial means, this is often impossible. With proper insurance coverage, or better adoption coverage in our country, J and I, and millions of other people may be able to someday realize our dream of having a family.

Wait's almost over

2007-11-06T06:45:00.000-05:00

Well, I have spent nearly the entire 2ww focusing my attention on the book tour. I have tried to get to everyone's posts, and am almost there. A few more days. It was nice to read everyone's insights into the book. And, most surprisingly, it helped to keep my mind off the hellish wait.
Tomorrow is 14dpiui (13 1/2dpo).
I'm scared. I'm afraid that AF is going to show by this weekend; right when she's supposed to. I don't know how much longer I can keep going, keep cycling. It is really wearing me down. I always thought that I would fight until I succeeded, but the time, the miscarriage, the debt, it is all becoming too much. I feel like I am starting to lose this war with infertility. Why can't I just have one baby?
I don't feel very hopeful at this point. I know it is still early and most people don't have symptoms at this point but I feel completely normal. I always compare my symptoms to the cycle when I did get a BFP. And, I don't feel anything I felt then - no irritability, no bloating, not really sore boobs (except for progesterone induced), nothing.
If no AF by Saturday (16 day luteal phase) then Sunday I'll test - but I don't hold out much hope for lasting that long before the witch shows.

Happiness Sold Separately - Book Tour #7

2007-10-29T18:21:00.000-04:00

On Pages 51-52 Elinor discusses her abortion experience. She says choices are a fairytale and that she had always been pro-choice but now realized that she had no choice. Has your stance on abortion changed at all since you began suffering form infertility?
I have always been pro-choice, believing that a woman's right to choose trumped anything else. Even though I have suffered with infertility, and pregnancy loss, I still hold the same viewpoint. I think that there are too many circumstances, and each individual needs to make that decision for themselves. I would definitely feel more saddened by the news of someone having to make that decision now though. I did believe that my baby was a baby right from the start. Someone having an abortion may believe this also, making their decision all the more difficult. I now am much more aware of the struggle that someone having to make that decision would go through.

In the beginning of Chapter 4, Elinor finds it difficult to look at a newborn and its mother in the seat next to her. She says she isn't so much sad that she can't have a baby of her own but that she can't give her husband a child. Do you find your infertility more painful because of your desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth or because of your desire to see your spouse as a father?
I think that I personally find my infertility more painful because I may never get to experience pregnancy and childbirth. One of my biggest fears is that the 13 short weeks I was pregnant before may be the only time I will ever be pregnant. I know that I will be a mother someday, though, no matter how we finally get there. There are alternative ways to become a family, and if we choose to adopt, my spouse will get to be a father. If that is how our family is built he still gets to parent a child.

Lolly describes how Elinor became superstitious in her attempts to conceive. "At one point she thought they should throw out the unlucky mattress...That's when she and Ted started checking into hotel rooms on weekends, trying to make getting pregnant fun." Did you ever engage in rituals to get around superstitions? How did you alter your behavior or possession to improve your odds?
There have been many cycles where I have altered my behavior and possessions to try and improve my odds. After numerous failures, it makes you start to wonder if things like lucky charms or items will help. I have purchased a miracle angel figurine which I had to have on my nightstand each day during one cycle. I have cut out pictures of babies from magazines in an attempt to help myself "visualize" the successful outcome. I have read and tried feng shui things in the bedroom, like making sure nothing is underneath the bed while trying to conceive to create a clear path to baby-making. I have repeated mantras to myself - "I will get a BFP and I won't take no for an answer", during daily meditation. It all sounds funny now that it's written down, and hopefully people do not think I am completely out of my mind now. But when you are in a state of near desperation you will do almost anything to have success.

Elinor participates in a book club meeting following her miscarriage and finds that "no one gets her"...and thinks "why should they? She's a barren, bitter, self-pitying grouch. She hates this book club. She smiles and loosens her grip on the stem of her wineglass, afraid she might snap it in half." Do you find yourself having similar experiences? Would the infertility struggle be easier for you if you felt that people "got you" or not?
I do have similar experiences all the time. I work in a youth-serving organization, so we work with children, and also my office is comprised mainly of women. Of course, partly because of the nature of the business, topics often focus on children and families. I find it difficult to even participate in these conversations. And when the topic turns to pregnancy and child rearing I feel like Elinor did, nearly breaking the glass. I don't get their conversations and they definitely don't understand me either. I have lost numerous friends because of our struggle with infertility and because of my miscarriage. People move on, they have families, and often they focus so much on topics involving their pregnancies and children that I sometimes wonder if that is the only way they define themselves. I think it would be easier if people understood my struggle more. I think that is why I post on bulletin boards, and also why I started blogging. It is also why I have been trying, with no success so far, to begin a new support group in my area. To feel a part of a larger community who knows what I am facing each day.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about Happiness Sold Separately? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #8 (The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

Survivor Thoughts - episode 1506:Schools Out

2007-10-26T16:19:00.000-04:00

Do any of you watch Survivor? J and I have been diehard fans since season one and NEVER miss an episode. I've got to say last night's episode was one of the most disgusting ever. C'mon, eating chicken fetuses? I can't even imagine. Ugh!

So, my Survivor prediction for this season is that Denise (the lunch lady), Frosti and Todd will be the final three. James may have the hidden immunity idol but he may be thankful to Todd enough to give one of them back to him. Plus even if he had both of them they will keep voting him out until they can get him out. He's just way to strong to compete with individually. Todd feels somewhat indebted to Frosti for not sharing news about the hidden immunity idol, so he may pull him along to the end. And Denise, well, she's probably the best player so far. Strong enough in challenges to compete, but not too strong that people view her as a threat. Plus she has kept a low profile so far. And, that is the secret to success.

Any thoughts?

Dreams

2007-10-26T10:45:00.000-04:00

I had some strange dreams last night. First I dreamt that someone was putting their hand on my stomach and saying that they were going to "suck the life out of me". It wasn't really a person but rather a force of some sort, scary almost. I slapped the hand away and said that I wouldn't allow it to happen. I remember waking up feeling afraid. The second dream had my pregnant co-worker and her husband in it. We were talking and all of a sudden her husband says, "God didn't take away your baby to punish you." Pregnant co-worker got mad at him for saying it, but then he said he needed to tell me so I would know.
I know that these dreams probably mean nothing at all. I do have a dream book and could get it out, dust it off, and try to analyze the meanings. But it is probably just my sub-conscience fighting the fact that I am purposely trying to forget about my 2ww.

On another note, I do think the IUI was timed well this month. The night following the IUI I woke up at about 1am with awful ovulation pain. That means that the IUI happened prior to O'ing (I think) which is good! Gives those sperm a full 12-24 hours to fertilize that egg! Still though, difficult for me to believe that these IUI things can actually work.

Called out sick from work today. Not feeling that great - the headache I've had for two days most likely caused by the progesterone, the cold, dreary weather, and the fact that they were having a costume party at work today and my 2 pregnant co-workers (I had heard through the grapevine) were planning on dressing up as pumpkin smugglers, were all enough combined to make me sick to my stomach. Blah!

Done

2007-10-24T15:33:00.000-04:00

Well it is done. Now the start of another 2ww. I’m going to take some advice from another blogger and try not living in the gap. I am going to try to focus only on today and try not to think ahead two weeks, or 9 months, or whatever from now. Difficult? Yes, especially for me. I always have my calendar in front of me, planning next steps. For one time, I would like to not think of next steps, and keep that hope that maybe this time will work. We’ll see how it goes.

The IUI went well. The nurse did a good job and didn’t cause any spotting. The sample was decent. I only worry about timing. I wish I didn’t always second guess this stuff. I worry that because I was starting to surge yesterday that this morning is too late. What if I ovulated last night? That means by the time IUI was, at 10am this morning, I could already be 8, 9, 10+ hours past. Eggs are only fertilizable for 12-24 hours, right? I wish I didn’t know so much medical information and I was still trusting that Dr. RE’s main goal is to get patients pregnant, not make more money. It would make my wait a bit easier.
The beta is scheduled for November 7^th but I won’t go that day. I normally have a 16 day luteal phase so I won’t go for a beta until after day 17. No sense in wasting time, gas, or energy when I could just wait a few days longer to get an answer. I’ll do my hpt on November 10^th or 11^th and go for a beta after that.

The nurse seemed happy with the follies I had, the cervical mucus I had, and the ease at which the catheter went in. I am hopeful today.

IUI Today!

2007-10-24T07:14:00.000-04:00

Getting reday to go to the IUI today. Yesterday at the dildo-cam appointment I had two follies, 19.7 and 16.9 and one on the right only at 10.6. My E2 was 360 something and I was already starting to surge on my own. So, they had me trigger anyway last night and this morning is IUI. I'll update more later...

Getting closer

2007-10-21T14:14:00.000-04:00

I had another follie check this morning. Things are looking OK so far. Last check I had about 5 potential follies, today only 2. Both are on the left side (which they always are) and they were 13.4 and 14.9. The rest were still pretty small - measuring only around an 8. Right ovary only has small ones ranging from 7-9. So, maybe we'll end up with two good follies. I hope. It seems like a waste of time and money to do an injectible cycle and only get one egg. I could get that un-medicated and save myself the co-pays for the medication. Sometimes I wish Dr. RE would be a little more aggressive with dosing. I really just want the best chance possible. She must know what she's doing though - I also don't want to end up like Jon and Kate +8. Still, I was hoping for about 3 good follies. *sigh*
My gonal dose will remain the same for another two nights and next date with the dildo cam is scheduled for Tuesday. IUI will be Thursday or Friday.

My Dad just left to go home after visiting us for the weekend. It was good to have a family visit. Just enjoying dinner together and doing a little shopping. Still, it is different without my Mom around. Like a strange empty space following us. Of course after a few drinks the other night, J started talking to Dad about how much he thinks our future children will miss by not having my Mom in their lives. She would've been the A Grandma.
It made me glad that J still carries the hope that we will have a family someday. Some days I don't have any of that left. Sometimes I need someone else to carry that hope for me for a while.
When I called to order the prescriptions I told the Freedom Pharmacy rep that I wouldn't be needing the gonal this week - I still had some from a previous cycle. I told her that I would call back in a few weeks to order it then. I never stopped to think that this cycle has the possibility of working. It never occurred to me that it could work. I just immediately assumed that I'd be calling to place another order in a few weeks. Sad. Somehow I just don't see this working. I wish I could. I try so hard to envision a happy outcome. This cycle though I feel like I'm on auto-pilot, just going through the motions. Maybe it's my way of protecting myself from the constant disappointment. Driving home from the RE's office today I thought how in the world does one ever stop this? I can't see it working but I can't see myself stopping treatment either.

Follie Check

2007-10-18T13:45:00.000-04:00

Well, I had my CD7 ultrasound and b/w appointment this morning. It looks like things are progressing just fine. I was worried about using the expired Gonal but I guess I got it right when I thought that those expiration dates are just a way for the pharmaceutical companies to make more money.
I’ve got these follies so far: L 10.6, 9.7, 9.5, 9.1, 8.8, 7.0 and R 10.1, 9.6, 8.8, 8.0, and some small ones. Maybe I’ll actually end up with 2-3 good ones by trigger time. Now I’m just waiting for them to call with the E2 levels and what dose to take tonight and when my next appointment will be. IUI should be sometime next week Wednesday-Friday.

I had a few incidents the past few days that I thought you’d all understand.

First one: My appointment today fell on a day when I was supposed to have a staff meeting. We have had this staff meeting planned for months but of course with fertility treatments you don’t get to pick and choose when your appointments will be. So, I told my boss that I would need a half-sick day and would have to miss the meeting. I explained why – I did tell her privately that we were trying again so my doctor appointments would be increasing in frequency and not to worry that I was ill. I asked my co-worker to take notes for me at the meeting and said I’d have to miss it. Here’s what happened after that.
Pregnant co-worker: Well, where are YOU going to be?

Me: Oh, I have a doctor’s appointment that I can’t miss.

Pregnant co-worker: Oh, nice. You missed the last meeting too. Huh, you really should be more aware when you schedule your appointments.

Me (what I was screaming in my head): Shut up, fat pregnant lady!! Maybe not all of us get the luxury of only seeing a doctor when we’re truly ill, or having a choice of when our appointment will be, or getting pregnant having sex with our husbands! (what I actually said) Yeah, I know.

Next one: I’m working my second job. The one I work to help pay for the damn fertility treatments or future adoption costs. I overheard a co-worker tell a customer that she’s trying to get pregnant. So I ask about it and she says that they’ve been trying for over a year. I stupidly figure maybe she needs someone to talk to, someone who might be going through something similar.
She goes on to tell me how they got pregnant with their first child by accident. Then when they started trying for #2 it took six months. She did get pregnant but it was ectopic, and her story was very sad. She was near death before they found out what was wrong. So, they had to take a break and they just started trying again last month.
I felt very sad for her. It must have been hard to go through losing her baby combined with such a scary ordeal that almost cost her her life.
I shared my story – how long we’ve been trying, the miscarriage, everything.
What do I get in reply? She says’, “Maybe if you stopped trying so hard then you’d get pregnant. That’s when it happens for most people.” Yup, not trying so hard will definitely help J’s sperm count, and help them swim better too! Maybe I should spend my second job money on a vacation, I’m sure to come back pregnant, maybe even with multiples I’ll be so darn relaxed!!

Why is it that other people love to share their ass-vice when they don’t even know anything about the subject? And, when will I learn not to share with other people IRL? I think I will print out Mel’s manifesto, make copies, and share with people whenever they say something stupid about fertility or pregnancies. What do you all think?

Gonal Madness

2007-10-16T09:38:00.001-04:00

Two Gonal shots and I have morphed into a raving lunatic. It seems like I can’t even control my emotions at all. I am so angry, I am frustrated, I want to scream and cry. I don’t remember it doing this to me last time I used it. Which makes me wonder – is it really the hormones I’m injecting into my body that is causing me to act this way? Or, is it the fact that this has just gone on for so long, this cycling business, that it is getting harder and harder to deal with each time? Maybe a little bit of both.
Dr. RE has me on the same dose I was on last time we did an injectible/IUI cycle – which was 3 years ago. So, maybe she’s not so concerned that my eggs are three years older than before. I’m hoping for 3-4 good size mature follies this month. Next scan is Thursday (CD7).

I was so happy when they told me that my next appointment would be Thursday. You see, I was supposed to have a work staff meeting that day. I have 2 pregnant co-workers in my office. One much more annoying than the other – with the constant belly rubbing and talking of baby names, how they conceived, etc. So, I am glad that I will get to miss out on that for this month’s meeting at least.

Yesterday (pregnancy and infant loss awareness day) I thought of my lost baby – more so than every other day that I think of him. I was working at night at 7pm but I lit a candle in my heart for him. And, that one burns eternal. J and I miss our baby so much. I’m sorry for anyone who has gone through the loss of a baby – at any stage of development. I believe that it’s the most awful pain a person has to bear.

Finally! IUI cycle # way too many

2007-10-12T07:04:00.000-04:00

Well apparently all it takes is to think really hard about taking an hpt because late last night AF showed. Started spotting more heavily around 9pm and by this morning we're at full-on flow. Ready to go! (hey, that rhymes. hee hee.)

So, I will call Dr. RE today and schedule the CD3 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork and gonal shots start on Sunday. Last time we did injectible IUI's was 3 years ago. I wonder if Dr. RE will increase my dose? I was on 112 a day before and produced 3-4 good follies each time. But now being of advanced maternal age (I HATE that!) maybe my dose will be higher.

I'm just glad to be getting started again. I hope this works this time.

Waiting

2007-10-11T16:29:00.000-04:00

Waiting. That's what I'm doing. Still waiting for good ol' AF to show. It was supposed to be here on Monday. I even started spotting then and was sure that by Tuesday she would have arrived. But she didn't. She didn't come on Tuesday, or Wednesday, or even yet today. Still spotting though. Why is it that when I want the bitch to come she doesn't but when I pray with all my might that she stays away, she'll show, early even? Last night I considered taking the one hpt I have in the house just to get my period started. Today I am considering it even more so.You see, I am a firm believer that doing an hpt causes my period to start - always has. Sometimes even before I get to pee on the thing, but as soon as I give the cashier my $10.00 Funny right? Stop laughing.
So now I am 3 days late, but have no idea when I ovulated since I wasn't keeping track this month. I think I might be 14dpo today. I have no idea how long my luteal phase is anymore. Before the pregnancy it was only about 11 days, after the miscarriage it went up to 15 or 16 days. Then I've been on clomid so that screwed with it too. So, I guess I don't know when to expect AF. So, I'll just keep waiting.
I know some of you may be thinking - maybe she's pregnant now. Maybe she should do the hpt. But let me assure you that is not possible. Not this month. J and I (I am kind of embarrassed to admit) did not have sex at all this month. Between jobs, being tired, being stressed, being whatever, it just didn't happen. That happens more frequently now that we've been ttc for so long. Does that happen to anyone else? It seems the longer we pursue fertility treatments the less sex we have. Scary. Every month we say to each other that we have got to start making more time for that. Maybe when we finally resolve our family building issues it will improve. I hope.

So, I'll just keep waiting for CD1 so I can get started again. I have never wanted to give myself shots more than I do right now!

My weekend

2007-10-08T06:35:00.000-04:00

Well just another boring (or relaxing, depending on how you view life) weekend for J and I. I know that when I tell my co-workers this morning about my lazy weekend they will tell me that they are jealous - you can't do that with kids in the house. I never realized until just lately what a bunch of insensitive people I work with. Or maybe I'm just hypersensitive after what I've been through the past few years.
Anyway, I had a dream this weekend that I was pregnant. Not like I just found out pregnant, but about 5 or 6 months along. I remember in my dream looking down at my belly and feeling like I could not possibly believe it. I remember wanting to keep it a secret and even though I was clearly showing, I was telling other people that I was not pregnant, but they didn't believe me. It felt good and right and I woke up with such a happy feeling, but then realized it was just a dream. I hate that. I think that is my biggest fear with continuing with cycling. What if I never get pregnant again? What if the short 13 weeks that I was pregnant is the only time I will ever feel that happiness? That just boggles my mind and is incredibly scary. I try hard to push those thoughts out of my mind whenever they start creeping in. But I am a realist by nature so they creep in quite often. I laugh at how much my attitude has changed since J and I started cycling. How optimistic and sure of success I was back then. Oh, I wish I could find that girl again.

I finished my last book (Love and other impossible pursuits - which I started way too late for the book tour but it sounded great after reading about it on other people's blogs that I just has to read it) and I am starting Happiness Sold Separately today. And I have been trying very hard to meditate every day. I got a late start and so far I think I've been about 50% successful but it's early still so I will just keep trying. Story of my life.

Oh, and I started spotting a bit this morning (right on time), so today or tomorrow will be CD1. Finally!

Time goes by

2007-10-03T14:35:00.000-04:00

I can’t believe that it is already October. Time goes by so quickly and most of the time I don’t know where it is going. The other day J and I got an invitation in the mail to our nephew’s birthday party. This is going to be his 4^th birthday. J and I started trying to have a baby the same time my brother and sister in law did. They’ve since had two children and we are still at the same place we were when we started trying. This is why it surprises me how fast time goes by.

It seems to me that for J and I time is moving but we are standing still.

We’re not going to the party. For one thing we’d have to travel and we’ll be doing that for the holidays so we’re not making another trip for a kid birthday party. For another reason I do my best to avoid social situations like this – birthday parties for kids, baby showers, etc. No way will I subject myself to that kind of pain and torture.

Work has been as awful as ever lately too. What with pregnant co-worker entering her third trimester the talk is almost constantly about babies and baby things. Now they are talking about planning a shower for her. I have been dreading this since she told me about her pregnancy. I’ve been trying to figure out a tactful way to not attend. I finally decided that I am just going to talk to her and explain why I won’t be there and not provide any explanation to anyone else. It’s not really their business anyway. I am curious to see though 1. whether I get an invite (these people all know about my IF and my miscarriage), and 2. who will end up angry with me for not attending. Ah, stay tuned for the outcome of this…

I just continue to hope for new employment where no one knows about what I’ve been through. And I also pray that they won’t hold the baby shower during a mandatory staff meeting. My workplace is known for these kinds of things. I’ll probably feel a flu coming on just days beforehand.

With October here I’ve decided to take part in the 2^nd Happiness Challenge. I look forward to the meditation each day and hope that it helps my happiness level. As you can probably tell – I do need a happiness adjustment. And I am quickly trying to finish up a book I am currently reading so I can start reading Happiness Sold Separately, for the Barren Bitches Book Tour.

Whew…a lot going on! At least time will continue to go by quickly this month and before I know it I’ll be doing another IUI. If AF shows when I am expecting her then IUI will be right around the last week of the month. I so can’t wait to get started again. Just have to order the medication from the pharmacy, and decide whether or not we want to make one more tiny tweak in the protocol this month or not. We have a choice to make the change this month or next. Then we can start!

Hope

2007-09-28T13:05:00.000-04:00

Hope…

Sometimes I wonder if it is a good thing or a bad thing to have. On one hand it is good to have to help propel you to keep going in the face of trying, stressful times. I hope that my day will go good so I get up each morning. I hope that I will find a new job, where there are no pregnant people, and no one knows about my loss so no one looks at me with pity, so I continue to search the classified ads. I hope that one day J and I will have our baby so I keep cycling.

But, that could be the bad part too.
It is not impossible for J and I to conceive naturally –so the RE says. Not impossible, but with such low odds, not likely either. But that 2% chance is something. It’s hope – hope that maybe one of these times it will work and we will be one of those miracle couples. The ones you hear about all the time. “Oh, they tried and tried for years and finally when they stopped trying they got pregnant!.” My rational mind knows that statistically it won’t happen for us that way but hope keeps me wondering each time we have sex what the outcome will be.

With doing the IUI cycles again there is hope each month. And with IUI’s there is not much time to lose that hope if you’re doing back to back cycles. Within a few days of getting AF you have to muster up the hope all over again for the next cycle. I think of it like this – my IUI cycles are kind of like the Tower of Terror – the constant high’s and low’s. My IVF cycles are more like a huge roller-coaster, with a big slow climb to the top and a quick drop back down to the bottom.

Sometimes that little bit if hope is all that keeps me going each day. I worry though – does my inability to ever stop cycling come with that hope. Will having that hope make me keep trying and keep trying until I go through menopause? And would that really be good for my sanity? Plus if we keep trying for that long will we lose out on a chance to adopt because at that point we’ll be too old? Will that be the price I pay for having hope?

I hope not…

** Side note ** Getting closer to cycling again next month. I know that I ovulated this week sometime. So it should be only a few more weeks. I think we are going to try again this month – we’ve had a few weeks to save a little for it, and I know I can’t wait another month. Too torturous!

Infertility strong hold

2007-09-23T20:23:00.000-04:00

It's still amazing to me how much infertility can take hold of your entire life. It encompasses every part of your being - from your job, to you health, to your marriage and everything in between. J and I have so many more arguments as the years drag on ttc than we did in the past. It's like a constant thought in the back of your mind. Everything is centered around ttc. The stress of the negatives each month causes stress related health problems, the time off you have to have for RE appointments and making up excuses about why you'll be late or absent from work again, how much it costs to continue treatment with limited insurance coverage, having to deal with pregnant people in everyday life. Sometimes I feel like if we already had children we wouldn't have half the arguments we have today. People who don't struggle with infertility everyday do not and can not understand what we go through.
Because of his medical issues J needs medication each day to function. Right now he has no insurance coverage for that medication. All I can think about is how that will affect my ttc. What if I don't have enough money to pay for the co-pays, the medication? What if I have to postpone ttc for another month because my money is going toward his prescriptions, doctor's visits, whatever? That makes me feel like a complete bitch. Like I don't care about my husband's health. But I know the longer I wait the harder it will be to get pregnant.
So what does one do? Continue ttc and neglect other financial responsibilities? If it works and I am able to have my healthy live baby in the end it would be so worth it - because that's all that really matters in life anyway right? Family, friends, people, surely not money or other material items. But I could potentially be neglecting my husband's health, or destroying my financial future. And that is important - because whether we eventually have children or not J and I are together - for life.
It's not always an easy decision - whether to ttc this month's chance or not. I just wish that I didn't have to make these difficult decisions. I wish that no one ever had to make such decisions.

On a side note - I think I'm getting close to ovulation time again. The EWCM is starting to build up - not that it matters with our 2% chance of conceiving naturally. But that means I am that much closer to starting another medicated cycle. I am thinking that I'll use the gonal that I have leftover from IVF cycle #1 - it's expired but I stored it properly and I'm sure it works just fine. I think they put expiration's on the drugs to make more money anyway. That will save some $$$. Only about 2 more weeks to go until we can start again if we choose to.

The Topic for the Day

2007-09-19T17:10:00.001-04:00

It's definitely a record for today - the number of times someone at work made reference to pregnancy. I know that I have an office-mate who is currently 20+ weeks pregnant, but (and maybe I'm being selfish here but I no longer care about that) it is my office too. Why do I have to be subjected to all the happy, giddy, pregnant talk? Maybe I don't want to hear about it. For God's sake they all know what I've been through with the loss. Can't they at least have the conversations when I am out of the office. Bad enough I have to go there everyday and watch as the belly grows. The constant reminder of what I have lost.

So the topics for today were:
Have you felt the baby moving yet?
I gained too much weight for this doctor's appointment so now they are watching me closely for next month.
I have to go and buy maternity bras.

I feel like a complete ass, not to mention extreme guilt, because I can't share in the happy conversations. I mean she's entitled to feel excited. I don't begrudge her her happiness. I like her and consider her a friend. And other people are entitled to have conversations with her on whatever subjects they like. But when you're having conversations while I am sitting right there please try to remember that my baby died, I never got to feel it moving, and that I didn't get a chance to buy maternity clothes. And also remember that I may never get that opportunity - because of J and I's infertility diagnosis. So, have a little empathy and try to imagine how those conversations make me feel.
I would never have a conversation about how terrible cancer is and how many people I have known who have died from it while sitting next to someone who was recently diagnosed. I guess I just don't understand why people have such a hard time putting themselves in someone else's shoes.

If I am ever able to get pregnant again, and if I am ever lucky enough to carry that baby to term, my pregnancy will not be a topic for discussion, except in my own home. I would hate the thought of unknowingly putting someone else through the pain I feel. My advice for the day: Always think about who is in your audience before you speak.

When our world crumbled

2007-09-13T14:57:00.000-04:00

After struggling with IF for so long it felt good to finally be pregnant. J and I were so excited! We wanted to run down the street screaming our happy news out to everyone. I just kept worrying though - what if something terrible happens? My friend S said not to worry, everything would be fine.
I was cleaning out our office one day and came across all of the paperwork I had gathered in my adoption research. For some reason I just couldn't throw it away. I placed it on the shelf - hoping I would never need it.
The pregnancy seemed to be progressing fine - except for some occasional spotting. My OB assured me that it was nothing to worry about at our 9-week appointment. Lots of women have spotting. Still it just didn't seem right to me.

One morning I woke up and the first thought in my mind was that I didn't feel pregnant anymore. I got out my trusty "What to expect when you're expecting" book and looked this up. It clearly stated that lots of women feel this way sometimes. Nothing to worry about. You can feel not pregnant and be just fine. Anyway, if I was having a m/c the book assured me I would have bleeding and/or cramping. I had neither and my spotting had subsided a week earlier too.
An old co-worker and friend, A, came to visit at the office and brought with her her new baby and her bag of used maternity clothes. I could have them if I wanted. And just in time, I was just starting to show slightly or at least I felt that way, being bloated and my pants felt tighter. I took the clothes, thanked her, and told her that I was making the announcement to the rest of the co-workers that Friday. I had an OB appointment the next day and Friday I would be 13 weeks so thought it was time to tell everyone at work.

The next morning I excitedly put on the maternity clothes and J and I were off to the OB appointment. 13weeks. We were going to be able to hear the baby's heartbeat.

Sitting in the waiting room was unreal. I couldn't wait to hear that heartbeat. And I had plans to go home that afternoon and buy my home baby doppler so I could hear it all the time.
When OB walked in the room she immediately put the thing on my belly. We waited while she moved it around. We waited for what seemed to be a very long time before she said she couldn't find the heartbeat. But don't worry - this happens sometimes. We go into the ultrasound room to find the heartbeat.
The ultrasound tech placed the wand on my belly and there was the picture of my baby. But something was wrong. The baby didn't move at all and the ultrasound tech said there was no heartbeat.

The rest of that appointment is a blur. I'm sure that I was in a state of shock from that moment. OB says that we can do a D&C but it won't be for another 5 days because that's the next time she does surgeries. Just go home and if I start bleeding heavily and cramping between now and Tuesday then go to the Emergency Room.

I can't remember much of that day after that. I know that J and I got home and neither of us knew what to do with ourselves. What were we supposed to do now?! Were we supposed to just go on with our day pretending it was normal? The world seemed to just go on - the traffic going by, the kids walking home from school, everything the same. Except for J and I. Our world was completely and forever altered.

FET Cycle #1

2007-09-11T21:54:00.000-04:00

We waited a few months after getting the second IVF/BFN before we were ready to do a frozen cycle. Heck, we mostly waited to come up with the cash to pay for the cycle. Much to my surprise the insurance company would cover the medication needed for a FET cycle.
How does this make sense??? They won't pay for anything associated with an IVF cycle but will pay for medication for an FET? Who am I to question though?
Dr. RE decides that since we only have one embryo to work with, and it is very precious, we should do one more saline HSG test to make sure the polyps haven't come back again. I went to that test that day convinced that they would find another and we'd have to postpone but again, much to my surprise the uterus looked great this time.

We started the FET cycle but didn't hold out much hope. All of the odds were stacked against J and I for this cycle, or so it seemed. We only had one frozen embie - with both other IVF cycles we had transferred 3 each time and none stuck. Why should we believe that one would? Plus our RE's office boasts a 50% thaw rate for blasts. Since J and I are always on the wrong side of the odds we were sure that our embie wouldn't survive the thaw.
Transfer day came and the RE's office called in the morning (I was sure to tell us our embie didn't make the thaw). Again, much to my surprise, it had thawed beautifully. It was even hatching! The transfer went perfectly and we were sent home to wait it out. I swear I must have done more research that week on the chances of a hatching blast implanting than I've ever done on anything else. About three days before the beta was scheduled I started feeling the familiar AF signs coming on and was sure that it was over but just couldn't POAS and face that reality again.

J and I decided that I would POAS the day before the beta. I woke up at about 6am that day and laid in bed for probably another hour, even though I had to go to the bathroom so bad I thought I would burst. I just couldn't bring myself to do the test. I cried - a lot. Finally when I couldn't hold it any longer, I went in the bathroom, and POAS. Within seconds the elusive second line came up and I stared at it in a complete state of shock. I swung open the bathroom door waving the stick and yelling to J that it worked, it finally worked!
Scared to death I went and got my beta which came back at 123 - a good number Dr. RE said. The next week was pure torture going for repeat betas and worrying about doubling times. But they were prefect. 123 to 524 to 1570. Our first ultrasound was scheduled and we were so excited.

We were finally pregnant.

Our first ultrasound was at 7w3d and it was prefect. Our little baby measured right on track and there it was - the prefect little heart beating. I had had some spotting and Dr. RE said that it was still early but the nurse said to go ahead and be excited. Some spotting was OK and our baby seemed to be doing fine. We graduated that day from Dr. RE's office. We were going to be seeing my regular OB from now on.
Finally I would not have to see Dr. RE or her office again - until of course I wanted a second child. Finally J and I were going to have our baby. I was finally just a normal pregnant person. We were happy.

How did I end up like this?

2007-09-10T16:10:00.001-04:00

After our second failed IVF cycle J and I were, to say the least, devastated. I think, looking back, that's when I became the me I am today. The angry, jaded, jealous, bitter person I have become began the day I got the call about the second IVF/BFN. I think that's got to be when I started believing that a happy ending may not be possible for J and I on our journey to start a family. It's when I finally realized that things don't always turn out for the best - and experience has proven me right.
No matter how many times our friends and family tell us to keep trying, no matter how much they believe, no matter how many times we do try, there will always be the chance that I will get to the end of my childbearing years without a child.

btw - J and I decided on taking a break this month. It just doesn't make sense to spend money we don't really have, add extra stress to the cycle, etc. So, one month off and next AF we will start our injectible IUI's again. Maybe the new protocol will work eventually. Maybe not.
28 days to go 'til we start the next cycle.

Crashed again

2007-09-09T16:48:00.000-04:00

Well, just like I thought it's over again. AF showed full force today. Stupidly I once again allowed myself to believe that maybe, just maybe, the spotting for two days wouldn't progress and I'd magically end this 2ww with a positive. Why, why, why do I always let myself hope like that?
So, now J and I are not sure what to do. Don't know if we have the money to do another cycle this month or if we should take a month long break to save the cash. It sucks that my ability to have a child is based on my financial situation. Plus I can't stand the thought of waiting another 30 days to start trying again. Something in my mind just keeps reminding me of how much older I am now than when we started this journey. Another month will just be another month older.
I hate the way J looks when I tell him that I got my period, again. I hate the way he looks when I ask him over and over whether we should take a break, and then in the next breath tell him that if I take a break I will most likely lose my mind (what with having to deal with all the pregnant people I know right now). I know that he's hurting because of all of this too.
I've got to decide by tomorrow so I can schedule the baseline ultrasound and start the gonal-f by day 3.

2ww ending soon

2007-09-07T11:35:00.000-04:00

Today's 13DPIUI. I've done an awesome job of trying to ignore this whole 2ww this time. But today I just feel like it's another bust. Last night I started getting some slight AF cramps and this morning I had some slight brown spotting. I really just feel like AF is on her way.
I want to use the one HPT I have in the house just so I know for sure and I can have a glass of wine tonight. But the thought of that reality again, especially today, I just can't bring myself to do it.
Today's one year since that dreaded OB appointment when J and I were so excited to be going to the doctor. We were going to hear the baby's heartbeat - but when we got there there was none. Of course, AF would show today because that's my life. Maybe AF will be kind and at least hold off until tomorrow.

Looks like we'll be back on the injectibles again next month. I may need a month off though - I just hate the thought of prolonging this journey anymore. Why is it that everyone I know, except for me, gets pregnant on the first or second try? Why is the universe so cruel?

IVF Cycle #2

2007-09-06T07:13:00.000-04:00

So, after the first IVF cycle was a bust J and I pretty much didn't know what we were going to do. We had received financial aid for this cycle and weren't sure how we would ever come up with the money to fund another cycle.
We started looking into adoption, which by the way, is even more expensive than an IVF cycle! How in the world would we ever have a child?!?! Anyone who ever says to you, "why don't you just adopt?" has never looked into the details of adopting. The whole process is overwhelming. Aside from being cost prohibitive, you can be denied for medical reasons (which J has) and even for being overweight, depending on the country you choose to adopt from. Great, now not only do I have to feel inadequate because of my inability to conceive, but now I have to feel even more inadequate because another country considers me to fat to adopt their children. Still, I gather all of the information about adopting and even start talking to people who have adopted about how they managed. We even went to an adoption seminar.
I also took on a second job figuring that I was going to need the extra money. Can you believe that I had co-workers tell me I needed to learn how to better manage my money - that I shouldn't have to work two jobs?!
In November 2005 we got a call from Dr. RE who said that they had put us back on the financial aid list and our names had been drawn again. Did we want to do another cycle? YES! Of Course!!!
Some minor testing beforehand, and you guessed it, again they found another polyp which required surgery.

Our 2nd IVF cycle began in February 2006.
This time I did acupuncture, visualization, meditation, yoga. You name it, I did it. Ended up with 10 eggs retrieved this time as they were able to reach my other ovary but still only 5 fertilized.
On day 3 we transferred 3 grade A embies again. Surely this time it would work.
We got a call on day 6 that we had one blast that could be frozen and the other had arrested. We froze our one and only remaining embie pretty sure that we would be successful this time and wouldn't need it for a while.

At the end of the 2ww, again a BFN.

Missing Jacob

2007-08-30T16:20:00.000-04:00

Jacob,
It was one year ago today, at least as far as I know, that you left us. At least this is the day that you stopped growing inside of me. I carried you inside of me for another two weeks, unaware that something so horrific had happened.
I am sorry that we never got to know who you were. We miss you every single day and will for as long as we're alive. We may have never known you, but we loved you and always will. You will always be our first baby - we'll never forget that.
Please keep watch over your Mommy and Daddy from Heaven and know that we think of you always.

IVF Cycle #1

2007-08-30T16:09:00.000-04:00

We met with Dr. RE and discussed doing an IVF cycles. Although my insurance company would cover up to 12 IUI’s, she thought that since there was some financial aid funding available at the time, and since it would up our chances at success, now would be the time to try. So, we decided to go for it.
IVF seemed scary but J and I were determined to have a family. We attended the IVF class with about 30 other couples. This is the type of class where everyone looks directly at the “teacher” and there is no eye contact made with anyone else in the room. They explain the whole process: down reg., stims, ER, ET, medication, etc.
After the class we have to give the nurse our name to be put on the financial aid list and then we go home and wait to be called.
It took 8 months to get the call that our financial aid request had been approved and we could start a cycle. We tried DIY during that time but no luck.
We had to have a consult with Dr. RE before starting and to sign the paperwork required for the IVF cycle. They have you sign things that you have never thought of. What if one of us dies? What will happen to any remaining embryos? What about divorce? What if we decide we don’t need our extra embryos because we’ve completed our family? Do we want to destroy them or donate them? We’re actually excited because this all implies that we’ll be successful and even have extra embryos! Who would imagine?!
We make our decisions and Dr. RE says that since it’s been so long since our last cycle she’d like to do some additional testing before we start. More blood work, another SA for J, and another saline sono-HSG. Are you effing kidding me??
Now I’ve done my research and it has taught me that polyps don’t come back except for a small percentage of time. I’ve already had them come back once. They could not possibly come back again, could they?
Of course they do, because J and I are ALWAYS a part of the lesser statistic!
So another surgery before we can do the IVF cycle. And once again increase the thyroid medicine and get that back under control.
At least this time I can get started even though I have to wait a bit for the surgery. Dr. RE has me start the BCP’s anyway. This one threw me for a big loop. Why in the world would someone trying so hard to get pregnant start taking birth control again? But that’s the down-reg part of the cycle. Try explaining that to family or friends who know how hard you’ve been trying. The looks I got were of pure bewilderment.
Surgery goes fine and again it comes back benign.
We embark on our first IVF cycle in June 2005.
The cycle went fairly well. I responded well to the meds. The shots were going ok, even the IM ones that we had to do now with the PIO. ER was a little rough as one of my ovaries decided to drop down behind my uterus so they couldn’t reach it, and the sedation wasn’t working, but we ended up with 5 retrieved (from one ovary). It was a little discouraging but we tried hard to stay optimistic. All 5 our of eggs fertilized and on day 3 we had three grade-A embies to transfer. The other two had arrested.
We spent the 2ww sure that we would have success, joking about our triplets.
At the end of the 2ww, we got the BFN.

Injectibles 101

2007-08-28T06:26:00.000-04:00

I got the second polyp surgery done and again it came back benign. I just wish these things would stop growing back. Thyroid under control so we decide to start IUI cycles again, using injectibles now.

J and I have to go to a class to learn how to do the injections. They make you learn on a sponge ball. Like that's anything like my body! It takes a little practice but we master the sub-q injections and we're off to start our first cycle. I can't possibly do these shots myself so every night I make J (Mr. squeamish) give me the injection.

I just KNOW that the injectible/IUI's will work and we'll soon have our baby so this is all worth it!!

I responded well, with 3-4 follies each time. But no BFP's for us. We did 2 injectible cycles before Dr. RE has a consult with us and suggests we may want to try IVF.

Dr. Jeckell and Mrs. Hyde

2007-08-27T07:53:00.001-04:00

We started IUI's with clomid in February 2004. If you have taken clomid before then you understand the title of this post very well. They say that side effects are mild but everyone I know who has taken it has had them. The hot flashes are unreal. Now I know what to expect with menopause. And let me tell you they get worse the longer you are on it - at least for me they did.

J's numbers were always on the low side. Usually they were anywhere from 1million to about 8million post-wash. Not terrible but not great either. I always hated it when nurses would say the old, "well it only takes one." Drives me nuts! Yeah, if it really only took one then why do they consider normal SA's to have more than 20million??

We did three clomid cycles before Dr. RE thought that there was something showing on one of my u/s scan pics. Possibly another polyp. I thought that these things didn't really come back?!? Now I'm worried about why they are growing back but Dr. RE assures me that sometimes they do and it's probably nothing to worry about.

Sure enough the saline sono-hsg showed another polyp so we have to postpone additional cycles and schedule another surgery. And again, the thyroid is out of whack so another dose increase.

With all of the doctor appointments, and now surgeries I'm having, I have to quickly learn how to make up stories about what kind of procedures I'm having to tell my boss and co-workers. But I do feel relieved - maybe the whole reason I'm having difficulty getting pregnant is because of these polyps? Being sure that they're gone will surely ensure that I'll get a positive. Just a few months sidetracked and I'm sure that BFP is in sight.

Testing begins

2007-08-26T16:52:00.000-04:00

Cycle day 3 bloodwork done - check

Saline sono-hsg on cycle day 7. Pop my three Advil and off to the RE's office. Not too worried since I've had a normal dye-HSG before and it didn't really hurt too much. Just a little uncomfortable.

Exam room 3 (I will come to know this particular room so well). Nurse says the familiar, "undress from the waist down, please." Those damn paper covers never seem to cover what they are supposed to. I think they were made for someone who is a size 2; not your average size woman. Doc comes in and because my RE works with a medical school I get to have a resident do my test. Now I really feel like a guinea pig. If you think that a medical test can be nerve wracking add a not-so-skilled resident to the mix and see where that takes your anxiety level.

Insert catheter, expand balloon, looking at uterus. Oh, what's that we see? Seems to be a polyp. That must come out before we can start fertility treatments.

Surgery? I've never had surgery. This is pretty frightening. But it turns out OK, just outpatient surgery and Dr. RE removes the polyp. It's sent out for testing and comes back benign. Whew! Now, just a slight dose increase in the thyroid medicine because that seems to have gone haywire, and we can finally get started with the IUI's.

This whole ordeal has just added 4 more months to this saga.

Back to the story

2007-08-26T10:44:00.001-04:00

So, we didn't end up magically pregnant on our own while waiting the three months for the RE appointment. Did you really thing I was one of those lucky people you hear about all the time? Let me tell you from experience...those things don't happen as often as the world would like you to think. So, if you are expecting that please take my advice and get those thoughts out of your mind right now. It only hurts worse when AF arrives if you are expecting to magically fall pregnant and you have a medical condition that is preventing that from happening.
The first visit with Ms. RE was not really what I expected. I guess I expected her to be really optimistic and enthusiastic about getting me pregnant. She was more matter of fact about the whole issue and then told me I'd have to have additional testing done. No matter that Dr. GYN had already done the HSG and the endo biopsy. Now there were going to be more tests. Hooray.
I have to have what is called a saline sono-HSG. There's the real name for it but it has about 5 gazillion letters in it. I can't spell it or even pronounce it. This is where they put a small balloon catheter into your uterus so they can inject saline solution into it and see if there is any uterine scarring, fibroids, polyps, or anything else inside your uterus that may prevent an embryo from implanting. It is not supposed to hurt - just take a few Advil prior to the test. And, it has to be done before your ovulation time so they are sure that you are not pregnant.
There's also the list of blood work which has to be done, and all on a specific day of your cycle.
Of course, J and I are super excited to be getting started so I immediately schedule the blood work and saline sono-HSG as soon as possible. I've got to get this all done so we can start working on getting pregnant.

A slight digression

2007-08-25T06:26:00.001-04:00

It's IUI day today. The fourth one since we started ttc again after our loss. But more about that story later.
Doing these again is so hard. It's hard to believe that these work for anyone. I know people who have had success but sometimes I think it can't be real. Plus they never worked for us before. The tweek in the protocol though hopefully will make the difference.
So, IUI was today. It's hard to not get hopeful again. Every month it's the same story. Riding the wave of hope and disappointment. Today, I am hopeful. Everything looked good and not having to do the hcg shot, having O'd on my own, maybe will be a good thing. Now the crazy obsession begins. I said to J that I was going to try to just forget about it for the next 2 weeks but who am I trying to kid? How can I possibly forget? God, the torture of the 2ww! I can't say how much I hate this! Every twinge, cramp, bloated feeling, everything leads back to am I or am I not pregnant this time??? It is enough to make anyone lose their mind.
I will try to keep the hope alive for the whole two weeks, even though I know that it's impossible. The negative thoughts always creep in sometime.

Reproductive Endo what?

2007-08-24T13:09:00.000-04:00

Dr. GYN sends in the referral request for us to go to the RE. I wait anxiously until my insurance company approves it a few days after. I'm so excited! I can't wait to get pregnant and I just know that this is our answer. Gosh, it been over a year of ttc naturally, then adding just some progesterone to the mix thinking that would cure my LPD, and then waiting for poor J to go through additional testing and the varicolcele surgery. But now we're ready. Varicocele operated on (The surgery probably helped Dr. U to take a nice little vacation to the caribbean but it did nothing to improve the SA), and the RE surely has medication for my minor issues. Let's go!

I get the referral number, call to make the appointment, and am told that the first available appointment with a female doctor is in three months. Wow, I had no idea these docs were this busy. It must mean they are good at what they do. Allright, I'll wait the three months. We'll probably get pregnant on our own before then anyway.

BTW...I should have taken any appointment male or female becuase I would come to find out that I would hardly ever see my own RE, it would just be whomever was on duty that day.

OMG I'm a blogger

2007-08-24T12:58:00.000-04:00

Are you ready for my infertility journey?
OK, so this is my first blog and if you know anything about me I am so not the person to do this. Heck, I am probably the most technologically challenged person I know. But anyway...I really needed this venting place and thought my journey might help someone else so...

I should probably start out with a little background.

My dh J and I have been ttc#1 for 5 years and 7 months. Pretty unbelievable, eh? It may not be as long as some but it has been a long time. We started ttc shortly after we married in 2001. J thought there might be a problem with us ttc because he had never gotten a past girlfriend pregnant. I stupidly buried my head in the sand and thought that he was just lucky. Meanwhile I had spent fortunes on bcp's trying NOT to get pregnant. So, off the bcp's I go. My OB encouraged us to try naturally for a few months. After 6 months of that she ordered an SA for J, which came back looking pretty horrid. Low count, motility, and morph too. I also has some tests done with Dr. GYN and found that I had a luteal phase defect. Plus I had a thyroid problem. Things weren't looking good for J and I ttc naturally so off to the RE we go.